December 17 Horoscope

So, Oprah is fat again.

Aaaannd this is news why?

There's just way too much emphasis on a woman's appearance in this society. It's like a woman isn't worthy if she's over a size 4. It's fucking bullshit and what's worse is that most folks buy into this archaic belief. What's even worse is I personally know a lot of folks who buy into it and it's very disappointing. But, what can I do about it?

Enough about Oprah since O Magazine doesn't have a horoscope section. Why should it when the target audience are women who live in places like Hinsdale and, therefore, have tons of cash to buy themselves their very own astrological sign?

Let's check out Elle magazine's January 2009 horoscope and Numerology by Suzanne Gerber and Bridgett Walther, respectively.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) "With Jupiter hot-wiring your intuition vehicle just as Venus enters your sign in the first week of January, your sixth sense is in overdrive, and it would be pedestrian to ignore it. Trust those vibes and hunches. When Venus mashes up with Uranus on the 23rd, Just don't share all this with your honey; with Saturn off course, there might be a misunderstanding."

Is an intuition vehicle a new automobile coming out of Detroit in the new year? I certainly hope so because it sounds pretty cool! How fun would it be to drive a car that doubles as a psychic? Think about it. You get in, put the key in the ignition and get a reading on the day or month or whatever time frame you program it to. Think about it. If your car tells you you're in for a sucky day, you can return to your couch and watch King of Queens reruns. Personally, I think an intuition vehicle could save the car business.

"...think spontaneous self-makeover." If I 'think' spontaneous self-makeover, does that mean the makeover will happen without me having to move a muscle? Now, that's what I'm talkin' about! I get to 'think' about a makeover without having to go through the humiliation of having my being scrutinized, criticized and buried under wads of clothing and making that make me look like a poster child for the out of work, poor muckrakers of the world.

Elle Numerology for January. My personal number is 5.
This month, you're a thrill-seeker in search of a high, but not exactly of the Amy Winehouse or Pete Doherty variety. As strange as it sounds, you'll get your biggest rush from trying an extreme sport. (Do you know anyone with a motorcycle?) When it comes to love, you're still dealing with the pain of a past relationship and not ready to settle down just yet. In the meantime, you'll be the one breaking hearts.

Since I've done other thrill-seeking activities that don't involve drugs and alcohol, imbibing in the spirit of Amy and Pete sounds like a pretty fun time. Rehab isn't something I've tried yet, and you know what? It sounds like a hoot. Could you see me hanging out with Jeff Conaway, Joanie Chyna Laurer and my latest batshit crazy crush, Gary Busey? I mean, Chyna and I could compare guns. I could watch Jeff drool and Gary twitch. Hmm...something to ponder whilst I eat a pound of fudge over the next few hours.

"As strange as it sounds, you'll get your biggest rush from trying an extreme sport." Ok, an extreme sport to me is paying my student loans and other bills with no income. It takes great skill, patience and conniving ways to be able to accomplish this. I don't recommend anyone try this at home without being checked out by a doctor first. If you experience dizziness, shortness of breath or start to feel light-headed, stop immediately and consider a life of crime. I've experienced those physical feelings but I attribute them to caffeine, chocolate and cheap liquor withdrawal.

That's it for today. I'm off to spread joy !

December 16 Horoscope/Horrorscope

I know it's been about a month since I've posted but I have a good excuse. Really I do.

I had to have my couch surgically removed from my ass--kind of along the lines of this woman. My surgery was a bit more involved since it's tougher to remove microfibers from ass-skin. I'm recovering nicely and should be able to sit down soon.

Today, I was alerted to this site from a friend and it's right up my alley. So many daily horoscopes are filled with holiday-speak, which to me, is a big bowl o' boredom. Yawn...reindeer play in your 7th house...zzzzz...mistletoe is moving into retrograde....zzzzzzz...Jupiter is spinning your dreidel. You get the idea.

Here's my answer to all of the horoscopes filled with holiday crap.

It's from nobeliefs.com.
Pisces: the Fish

February 19-- March 20

---

1) You are a humble person.

2) You are a very strong person

3) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI.

4) Your ignorance is encyclopedic.

5) Pisces people smell like dead fish.

6) Pisces politicians are so dumb that they have been known to fly to Manila just to thank them for their envelopes.

7) People consider you a parasite for sore eyes.

8) Your brain is so small that it's amazing that you're able to place one foot in front of the other.

9) You are a humble person, because you really aren't great.

10) When the horoscope said that you were strong, it meant your body odor.

11) When you die, it will be in your own arms.

12) When people look into your eyes, they get the feeling someone else is driving.

13) You're hokey pokey and that what it's all about.

---

Best career moves: aquarium cleaner, barnacle scraper, sewage maintenance

I don't know where to start! This is just chock-full of great material. It's obvious that numbers 1, 2 and 3 are strong Jules characteristics--I mean, duh! The others are just awe-inspiring and the road to discovering these traits will be one filled with dead whores, pot holes, bright pink peonies and the occasional French dip sammich with au jus sauce. Not to worry: The whores will already be dead by the time I reach them. Those wild days are behind me, my friends. Bright pink peonies, well, they're my favorite flower. Pot holes, well, they're everywhere and unavoidable. My car was lost in one last year. I've never had a French dip sammich with au jus sauce. It just sounds kinda tasty right now.

What really interests me are the suggested best career moves. They all sound so fulfilling and revolve around water. Dirty water. I'm bound to get cholera no matter which career I set my sights on.

Finally, something to live for!

November 17 Horoscope

Well, I've emerged from my lair long enough to sniff the air and realize that things are just better underground. At least for the next few months or so.

Also, whilst underground, I perfected my Sammy Davis Jr impression. Now, I just need to marry a Swedish girl, get my own Rat Pack, lose an eye in a bizarre eye vs dashboard incident and get a glass one, learn how to scat and resurrect Flip Wilson.

I've also had the opportunity to look at more horoscopes and there's just too much fodder to ignore. The encroaching holiday season has brought out the crappy, phony holiday advice so I must oblige by writing about it all.

Plus, my old college pal, Eric Smith, emailed me over the weekend and said he really enjoyed my daily horoscope. He likes 'em, he really, really likes 'em!

So, I sauntered back to the Chicago Sun-Times for some guidance.

PISCES by Georgia Nicols: "(Feb. 19-March 20): Be cautious in your study of religious, spiritual or occult ideas today because you might jump on the wrong bandwagon or suddenly embrace a cult or something like that. ("Go to the light!") When your head's in the clouds, you gotta keep your feet on the ground. Capiche?"

What's Barbara Walters yammering on and on and on about this morning? The Pregnant Man? Really? Whatever. Get back to the Obama pooch predictions already--that's what's really important.

Back to the horoscope.
"Be cautious in your study of religious, spiritual or occult ideas today because you might jump on the wrong bandwagon or suddenly embrace a cult or something like that."
Question: Are most horoscope readers completely mindless? Do they have to be cautioned by Ms. Nicols about everything? Or are these first words a cautionary tale about what happened in Guyana 30 years ago? Hmm..I'm thinkin' some horoscope readers are spineless, with the exception of yours truly here. The thought of me embracing some religious, spriritual or occult makes me laugh aloud and makes those who know me laugh even harder. Seriously, can you actually picture Jules embracing the talking snake, lovin' and learnin' about Thetans or saying that the Christian god is better than all other gods, deities, sacred statuary, etc?

Pa-ha! Not. Gonna. Happen.

So, Ms. Nicols, relax your sphincter. You don't have to worry about me jumping "...on the wrong bandwagon or suddenly embrace a cult or something like that." Especially if it means drinking purple Kool Aid. Or giving all of my money 'in the name of God.' Or shaving my head and getting my ears surgically altered to resemble those of our Vulcan brethren.

"When your head's in the clouds, you gotta keep your feet on the ground."
What--is she lifting her material from Kasey Kasem now? I'm so telling on her. I hear Kasey's allegedly kranky enough to possible sue someone for lifting his signature line, even if they re-work the lines a little bit here and there.

"Capiche?" Oy.

November 5th Horoscope

Sorry it has been a while since I've posted anything. However, my energies have been focused on Presidential politics. Hope. Change. Unity. It's all good!

There's a new addition to the Daily Horoscope and it hails from the LA Weekly. When I lived in LA, I read the LA Weekly religiously since it offered stories that weren't reported in the mainstream media.

By Rockie Gardiner, LA Weekly: PISCES (February 19–March 19)

"As you well know, exciting, exotic Uranus is in Pisces and stern, sensible Saturn is occupying your Virgo house of significant others. Who might those fogies be and why are they trying to squelch your fabulousness? The first polarity between these incongruous planetary forces in 40 years is upon us; however, few signs will be as affected as the Fish. You might want to read for Virgo, Capricorn and Aquarius for further clues as to what could be in store before this potent pair go their separate ways in 2010."

Oh crap. I found yet another gray hair. Time to get my roots done and I'm considering getting highlights. My hair is pretty dark these days and I need a little 'umph' for the winter months--don't we all? A few years ago, I did the caramel-colored highlights, but was told by certain family members that the caramel highlights looked to dried out and too Orange County. Now, I'm considering reddish highlights. What are your thoughts? Please feel free to leave a comment. Just in case you're wondering, my eyes are hazel and I have freckles.

What's going on? Oh yes, the horoscope. Let's see.

"la la la la la exciting, exotic Uranus la la la la stern, sensible Saturn is occupying your Virgo house of significant others."

He he..it reads Uranus..tee hee hee. I never thought of a Saturn automobile as being stern. Sounds awfully Germanic. Sensible, yes. Ugly, yes. Mundane, oh hell yes.

Huh!? Viggo is my significant other!? When did that happen? Wow! That info is going to make some folks unhappy and angry.

"Who might those fogies be and why are they trying to squelch your fabulousness?"

I never thought I'd ever see a horoscope that refers to "fogies." Or uses the word "squelch."
Nice.

"The first polarity between these incongruous planetary forces in 40 years is upon us; however, few signs will be as affected as the Fish. You might want to read for Virgo, Capricorn and Aquarius for further clues as to what could be in store before this potent pair go their separate ways in 2010."

Perhaps if this part were put to music a la 'when the moooooon is in the seventh houuuse and jupiterrrr is lined with Maaars' it would be more enlightening and I'd probably take it more to heart. But, I don't find 'incongruous planetary forces' particularly helpful, unless the planets are being renamed.

Reading for Viggo, err I mean Virgo, Capricorn and Aquarius requires too much eye power and I need that power for reading about Obamapalooza.

Oct. 30th Horoscope

Sorry this is so late today, but I stood in line for 2.5 hours to vote. It was worth it completely.

I took another gander at the Village Voice to see if Rob Brezsny has learned that it's necessary to stop the Q-tip when he feels pressure.

"PISCES [February 19–March 20] If you knew how perfect a time it is for you to dance the forbidden dance, you would begin immediately. You would break out the sexy, world-in-upheaval grooves you slip into during your ecstatic dreams. You would unleash the words that have never been spoken and crack the codes that have never been broken. Please, dear Pisces, have faith in your ability to thrive in the wild frontier where every fantasy is ripe to be mutated. Halloween costume suggestion: the dancer who dances the forbidden dance."

Apparently, Mr. Brezsny missed the day in health class when the lesson 'never-put-anything-in-your-ear-smaller-than-your-elbow" was taught.

"If you knew how perfect a time it is for you to dance the forbidden dance, you would begin immediately."

In order for me to 'dance the forbidden dance' I would have to start ingesting the meth I make in my kitchen which would so go against the mantra I cherish from my 80s style icon, Elvira from Scarface: Don't get high on your own supply. So, injecting meth and drooling over the meth mouth wish book in my dentist's office are activities I won't be participating in anytime soon. Sigh.

"You would break out the sexy, world-in-upheaval grooves you slip into during your ecstatic dreams."

Those who know me are quite aware that I'm about as sexy as a bucket of paste, but the 'world-in-upheaval grooves' just doesn't make any sense to me and it probably involves rubbing patchouli on certain body parts for enlightenment purposes. Rubbing something on my skin that smells like burning dirt mixed with hair is just not an option.

"You would unleash the words that have never been spoken and crack the codes that have never been broken."

Hmmm, 'words that have never been spoken.' Hmmm. "Julia, we'd like to offer you a job with lifetime benefits for your extended family, a new Mercedes Benz every year for life, $250k salary to start with a 10 percent raise every quarter even if the company goes belly-up and no chance of ever being fired and a lifetime membership to a high-falutin' spa.

"...crack the codes that have never been broken." I'm not into cracking codes because it would take time away from keeping the couch down and would require thinking about things I really don't give a crap about. But, I would like to see someone crack the code on how Reese's Peanut Butter cups are made. And Oreos. And Starbursts.

"Please, dear Pisces, have faith in your ability to thrive in the wild frontier where every fantasy is ripe to be mutated."
When I see the words 'wild frontier,' I have this image of someone going off to find himself, living in an abandoned bus in the wilds of Alaska and living off the land then dying from starvation. Wait, that's been done before?

"Halloween costume suggestion: the dancer who dances the forbidden dance." Oy vey.

Homework: What is your greatest fear? Make fun of it this Halloween. Tell me about it at FreeWillAstrology.com.

My greatest fear is that Mr. Brezsny is going to scarf down a piece of unpretentious, boring pie and start writing dull horoscopes that I won't be able to mock endlessly.

November Numerology from Elle magazine/Bridgett Walther

Numerology uses the power of numbers to predict significant life cycles. Determine your personal number by adding the day and month of your birth date. Continue adding until you get a single digit. For example, if your birthday is July 4, your personal number is 7 + 4 = 11. And 1 + 1 = 2, the personal number you’ll keep for life.

My number is 5--I was born on February 21. Feb is the 2nd month so I add 2+21=23, 2+3=5 so my power number is 5--FOREVER. I've got that going for me, which is nice.

"After a mellow couple of months, you're about to get lucky, whether it's at the gaming table, around the boardroom table, or on the, um, kitchen table. You're bold and confident--not foreign feelings to most "la vida loca" Five women. And although you appear wild and carefree to your admirers, you're carefully choreographing your every move to avoid any wildfire accidents. At work, this extra boost of confidence shows up in your projects--and the boss takes notice."

I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention because I'm watching a commercial featuring Jennifer Love Hewitt's really bad skin and the gasoline-based product she uses to clear it up. Even with a heavy layer of clown makeup, you'd still be able to see the mini Mt. Etnas on her face. Yep, spoken like a woman who has never had skin problems.

"After a mellow couple of months, you're about to get lucky, whether it's at the gaming table, around the boardroom table, or on the, um, kitchen table."
I hope I get lucky at the gaming table because I could use the cash to buy some Atlantic City-fabulous hair extensions and dragon lady nails. It's all part of this new look I'm hoping to unveil around Thanksgiving. You won't be disappointed at all.

"You're bold and confident--not foreign feelings to most "la vida loca" Five women. "
Good lord--referencing Ricky Martin, the I-think-he's-still-in-the-closet-gay icon? (or is he out of the closet yet? My gaydar is off. David Barber, help me out please) Yikes, it's such a dated reference, too.
I am usually bold and confident--when I'm wearing the right deodorant and don't have spinach stuck in between my teefus.

"And although you appear wild and carefree to your admirers, you're carefully choreographing your every move to avoid any wildfire accidents."
Carefree and wild? Sounds like the tag line for a tampon ad. Or like salmon swimming upstream and right before they get eaten by a grizzly or an eagle. It's like "La la, I'm swimming. La la." then CHOMP. I like that better than "Gosh, not feeling so fresh and, oops, uh-oh! I believe it's time to find a new pair of white jeans!"
I think it would be cool to choreograph every move--if done properly. However, if you're not careful, one might end up looking like the mini-douches in High School Musical 3.

As for worrying about 'wildfire accidents,' no need to worry. I promised my PO that my arson days are over--for now. We'll see what happens on November 4th before I decide to put away my matches and assortment of accelerants.

Oct. 28th Horoscope

I'm not feeling it today, so this is going to be rough.

Let's check in with Georgia Nicols from the Chicago Sun Times again.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): "Is there any kind of training or further education that would help you in your job or even to enrich your life? Think about this. What could you do to expand your skills or your awareness about what you need to know?"

Okay Einstein, was this horoscope written about 3 years ago when I was contemplating either going to grad school or opening up a new, kid-friendly opium den?
I've expanded my skills and gosh, all this new book learnin' and real world experience has brought me nothing.
Ugh, this horoscope is boring. Let's see what else I can find.

Weird Al always scores--

Pisces
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those
idiots at work say
-- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Who knew that a man with poodle hair could make anyone's week?
I have a confession to make--I've always wanted to be one of those
Lord of the Dance-esque dancers.
The dance style is hypnotic and what's great about it is you don't need to
ingest large amounts of alcohol to enjoy it. It's pretty cool but I wouldn't
be surprised if half of those gals with the unnaturally red curly-cue locks
end up getting knee replacements by the time they're 20. Either that, or they'll
be in rehab.

Oct. 24th Horoscope...

From laughsend.net...

Pisces

19 February - 20 March

"The worry you're feeling is unnecessary...because you can't avoid the horrors that await. Electronics and machinery will start to misbehave for you today."

I love this horoscope because it doesn't sugar coat anything--it's all tits-to-the-wind and shit. It says that bad crap happens all the time to everyone and you can't avoid it.

I had a boyfriend once, James Brewer, and nothing bad ever happened to him. Seriously. He was not a risk-taker at all and he believed that by not being a risk-taker, nothing bad would ever happen to him. He just made sure bad things happened to those around him--mainly me. Like the time he dumped me after cheating on me whilst on location in Vancouver. Nice guy.

Not only did anything bad ever happen to him, he was BORING. And he had gray teeth--a result of taking Tetracycline for bad skin from the time he was a gawky teen in Fresno to well in his late-20s in LA. These were the pre-Proactive days folks. Plus, he had those awful leather couches--popular with lesbians and straight bachelors. Then, there was the time he thought I had something to do with the Northridge Earthquake. I know--it still baffles me. Try to wrap your head around that concept but don't think about it too much because you might end up miming on State St. somewhere--probably in front of H&M or Garrett's Popcorn.

Oh, and James thought he resembled Howie Long--um, dream on sweet pea. Nothing like a boring dude with delusions of grandeur. His parents were nice though. I wonder how they are from time to time.

But I digress...

"...because you can't avoid the horrors that await."
This could also mean that I'm going to get sick after my flu shot today. I always, always get sick after my flu shot, usually in the form of laryngitis. Good thing I'm not working right now because it would be bad to be a non-talking reporter. But, it would be fun to talk to a source a la Marceau Marcel. I could do the whole 'caught in a box' routine and 'the leaning up against a post' bit which would result in my untimely demise because, let's face it: Everybody hates mimes.
Plus, I think some of my friends and acquaintances would be happy to not have to listen to me yammer on and on and on so a mute Jules might be a good thing.

"Electronics and machinery will start to misbehave for you today."
I should hope so because that would be in-sync with the rest of my life these days. But, since I'll be a mime soon, I won't need the magical world of electronics and machinery to communicate for me. I can just mime things from now on. Come to think of it, I think James was a mime in a former life.

From Weird Al. The Best Horoscope to Date.

Pisces

Try to avoid any Virgos or Leos with the Ebola virus
-- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Oct. 23rd Horoscope

Let's check out the daily reading from across the pond.

By Mystic Meg of The Sun: for Oct. 23rd.

Pisces, February 19 - March 20

"When someone you worked or studied with in the past makes a surprise appearance, you both feel the attraction.

In all you do today, you have the kind of warmth and understanding, that draws people to you.

Family news, with two links to Australia, will give you a lot to think about."

You know, I thought the Brits were supposed to be all clever n' stuff, but apparently I was wrong. This is about as dull as Mancow Muller.

"When someone you worked or studied with in the past makes a surprise appearance, you both feel the attraction." Oh sure, this kind of thing never happens. Next!

"In all you do today, you have the kind of warmth and understanding, that draws people to you."

Seriously?

I don't have the kind of warmth and understanding that draws people to me. What draws people to me is my wit, my sarcasm, my deep knowledge of all things dark and twisted. If someone is drawn to me because of my alleged warmth and understanding, then they may want to up the Adderall dosage because they've encountered the wrong Julia.

"Family news, with two links to Australia, will give you a lot to think about."
Two links to Australia? What are links? Does this mean I'll be traveling to Australia soon? Moving there permanently? Eating more Vegemite? Or, will Paul Hogan and Hugh Jackman being duking it out for a spot in my apartment? I'd prefer Hugh because he's dreamy and can probably make a mean coffee cake. Paul probably still does the whole 'babe in the woods' routine which is so...tired. For more insight into what the stars hold for you, call one of the frighteningly long numbers listed below. If they don't get the desired result, maybe switch a few of the numbers around and you could get connected to, say, Islamic Fried Chicken in the West End.

Call 09067 524 462 for your weekly Pisces horoscope

Call 09067 524 482 for your monthly Pisces horoscope

Horoscopes for Oct. 21st and 22nd

I won't be posting on either 10/21 and 10/22. Check in on Oct 23rd!
Thanks!
Jules

Horoscope Oct. 20th

pisces
From the Mary-Kate and Ashley website and Astrology.com: Your affinity for music is maxed out today, so it's a great time to dig up new artists or track down older stuff by the folks you already love. If you play or sing yourself, go nuts and see what you come up with.

I must admit that I'm very disappointed with the Mary-Kate & Ashley website. I was hoping for real blog posts from the monkey twins discussing such important topics as why they both look like bag ladies when out in public and why their facial muscles unable to form into smiles. I've never heard either of them utter a syllable. To this day, I firmly believe that their lines on Full House were dubbed in by either by a helium-filled Rodney Allen Rippy or some child reject from the Sid and Marty Krofft studio. Full House was on TV for years and I maybe saw 15 minutes of the entire season because the Olsen Twins freaked me out and I'll never, ever understand why Dave Coulier was given a SAG card or why he's allowed to keep it to this day.

But, back to the horoscope. I could go on and on about the Olsens because there's just so much material there. Perhaps on another day.

"...so it's a great time to dig up new artists or track down older stuff by the folks you already love.'
I don't have the patience to listen to the crap the music companies are trying to shove down our pie holes these days. Really I tried because I love music and am always hoping I'll hear something by a real song writer/musician and not by someone who is thin, pretty and well-produced but is completely devoid of talent or personality. However, I haven't heard anything of the sort lately so I'm sticking with the classics.

"...If you play or sing yourself, go nuts and see what you come up with."
I really don't feel like doing either of these since I've found that spending time in the Elgin Mental Hospital isn't all that it's cracked up to be.

Oct. 17th Horoscope

From The Village Voice, Free Will Astrology for the week of Oct. 15th thru 22nd.

An ounce of pretension, is worth a pound of bull shit.

By Rob Brezsny: PISCES [February 19–March 20] In medieval Europe, more resources and human ingenuity were lavished upon cathedrals and churches than on any other buildings. In the last hundred years, the emphasis has been different, having switched to the towering structures that house institutions dedicated to commerce. By that measure, Money is a far more important God than God. I invite you, Pisces, to buck the modern trend. See if you can devote at least 1 more percent of your energy and intelligence to matters of the spirit and soul than to the demands of the material realm. I suspect you'll find, ironically, that this will lead to an increase of your mastery over the material realm.

You a know a horoscope is trouble when Medieval Europe is mentioned in the first sentence. When I think of Medieval Europe, my mind wanders to those twinks who are really into King Dick's Faire and the SCA.

For those of you who are too lazy to click on the link, here's the abbreviated Julia version of the SCA: These are folks who divide the planet up into kingdoms and have mock battles a la any olde tyme war where there was armor, mud, armored-covered horses, Robert the Bruce, serving wenches, mead and wooden catapults. They give themselves names like Lord Duckworth of Gaul and have tournaments where they have duels with swords made out of duct-tape, peg board and corncobs. (I made up the corncob part, but wouldn't that be a cool weapon?)

Oh, and they go around speaking in the King's English ALL THE TIME. "Would ye like a mug of mead?" Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!
So, after seeing Medieval Europe mentioned, well, I 'shut it down' and not in the Rachel Zoe kinda way.

"In the last hundred years, the emphasis has been different, having switched to the towering structures that house institutions dedicated to commerce."
Zzzzz..Mr. Brezsny knows his history. Well, shit howdy. But, I would like to see that part stitched on a pillow somewhere because that would be a good gift for a capitalist. Or for Hank Paulson.

Then, I reached this part: "... Money is a far more important God than God."
Hallelujah! Sounds like a good mantra for me to live by these days! It seems like you can't reach God these days unless you have money so it's good to know that money is ultimately, well... you get the idea.

"I invite you, Pisces, to buck the modern trend."
The modern trend is being bucked by this broke-ass Pisces, so there's no need to invite me along.

As for this part, why bother? "See if you can devote at least 1 more percent of your energy and intelligence to matters of the spirit and soul than to the demands of the material realm."
I definitely don't live in the material realm like many of them fancy big city mice, so I'm going to take that remaining 1 more percent of my energy and intelligence to watching movies on my eyelids, and by letting the dust bunnies in my living room roam free instead of living a caged life inside a Dyson canister.

Who really cares what happened in Medieval Europe? I certainly don't. It's hard enough keeping up with modern times why would anyone start out a horoscope with what was going on during the plague years? Just tell me what's happening with my stars for that day and I won't feel the need to hogtie you and force you to watching hours and hours of Charles in Charge and Gimme A Break! to get you to lighten up.

Oct. 16th Horoscope

From today's Chicago Sun-Times online section. I love the Sun-Times because not only do they have a few horoscopes to choose from depending on your mood, they also offer an "Astrological Questions" section which is chock full o' good fodder!

By Holiday Mathis: PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You have unique freedoms. Those who require much of other people will give you a no-obligation, all-access pass. Use this fabulous opportunity to focus on the endeavors you feel you were destined to do.

First, the astrologer's name has to be addressed. She's an astrologer because with a name like Holiday, she couldn't land a job answering phones at a used car dealership. Harsh? Perhaps, but really now, it's not unusual, it's dumb. Her parents should have known better.

Now, onto today's Pisces astrological forecast.
Unique freedoms--just what are those exactly? I have the freedom to change the channel on the TV and what's unique about is I am currently working on an channel changing device that was inspired by Jeannie and her magical eye-blinking. However, I'm taking a hiatus now to let some of the burr holes in my skull heal. Plus, some of the wires I've implanted in my skull aren't exactly sanitary, if you know what I mean. That's what I get for raiding construction sites at night for scraps.

The only all-access passes I will accept involve Yanni and Neil Diamond because observing the people around these guys would be priceless. I'd also take an all-access pass to witness "preacher" Joel O'Steen. Seriously, there is something really, really creepy about this guy. He's a modern day Jim Bakker minus the religion. Oh no, it's not god O'Steen is peddling..it's him claiming he wants to help in the name of God, but only if you pay for it. Ugh. The whole thing makes me sick.

"...focus on the endeavors you feel you were destined to do."
Focus on the endeavors...shit. This is so fucking stupid, I'm not going to comment on it.

I had to comment on Georgia's Oct. 15th horoscope because there's just too much material there.
By Georgia Nicols: PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Hopefully, you were able to clear up messy details about shared property, insurance matters, taxes and debt and issues with partners. The last six weeks were an excellent time to do this. Now you can go forward on a more solid footing with realistic expectations.

Okay now this is more like it! None of that "Oh, you're gonna have a grand, beautiful day and all flowers will smile & wave at you!" drivel that rarely happens. Let's face it, things are shitty right now and candy-coating just how shitty things are, ain't gonna work. It's like going negative in political ads--being positive and chirpy ain't gonna fly with even the truest of astrological believers.

"...shared property, insurance matters, taxes and debt.." Nope, no legally shared property here. I'll have to ask my fellow squatters what they think of the term 'shared property' and if the burned out loft we 'chill' in is considered 'shared property.'
Insurance matters? Well, I'm about to purchase disability, life and renter's insurance. That counts, right?
Taxes--shit--only the little people pay taxes.
Finally, debt. Got some big-ass student loan payments looming that I won't be able to pay. I wonder exactly what a big-ass student loan payment looks like. Hmm..tough to imagine but it's nice to know that I have my afternoon work cut out for me.

"...Now you can go forward on a more solid footing with realistic expectations."
That's horseshit and you know it, Ms. Nicols.

Now, onto today's horoscope by Ms. Georgia Nicols.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): This is an exciting day because you'll encounter new people and new places, both of which will be stimulating and even eye-opening. ("I didn't even know this existed!") You're also up for bright new ideas that are out of the box. People are impressed with your energy and your genius.

This has "Julia is going to jail" written all over it. Seriously, read between the lines and you'll see what I mean.
Or, it could mean I'm going to an Opus Dei convention to perfect my self-flagellation techniques and be brainwashed into believing that the Jews are the root of all evil. But, Mel Gibson will be my slab-mate, so that's encouraging. He's teeny tiny and, therefore, will be my bitch.

Horoscope Oct. 15th

From The Chicago Tribune for Oct. 15th.
"Today is a 7. Relax and study the material you've been saving for the right time. Finally, you can concentrate."

I don't like today's Pisces horoscope because it's lame, so I've decided to pick and choose from the other signs.

Aries: "Today is a 7. There's money coming in because of your own hard work."
Finally, a horoscope I can get behind! I just want to know when this money is going to appear in my grubby little paws and what the the definition of 'hard work' is. If it entails me drinking Barium or dressing up like a pervy little match girl, then I'm not interested.

Taurus: "Today is a 7. You are determined to get your own way, but that might be a challenge. Use charm, not threats.”
I need to edit this a bit: Use charms AND threats. Now, that's better.

Virgo: "Today is a 7. You're starting to look around for new horizons to conquer."
Gosh, conquering sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? Naah...I don't want to leave the comfort of my living room so my plan is to conquer the remote control and the dust bunnies under my couch. I'm also too concerned with the goings-on with the Missing Link who lives across the street. His life is a performance piece and shant be missed by yours truly. Plus, the act of conquering sounds like it costs a lot of money. Perhaps I will conquer something when today's Aries prediction comes through.

Capricorn: "Today is an 8. You think you don't care what others think, but of course you do."
Nope, I don't. See, when you get to be my age, you start to care less and less about what others think of you. Life is too short to worry about what someone you know, and probably don't care for all that much, thinks about the decisions you've made and the life you lead. Those are their issues, not yours. Just keep growing that hydroponic pot in your bathroom and cleaning your gun whilst tipsy. It's your life--celebrate it!

horoscope, Oct. 14th.

Today's Pisces horoscope in The Chicago Tribune:
"Your enthusiasm and productivity are drawing rave reviews. Everybody thinks you're great."
Okay, my enthusiasm and productivity are drawing rave reviews--from whom? My cats? My main productivity everyday is moving my ass from one end of the couch to the other and keeping my paws out of the knife block since I'm thisclose to stabbing myself silly with my Global Butcher Knife. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending what you think of me) the knife block is not at waist level--it's in the nosebleed section of my kitchen cabinets. See, I'd have to climb on the counter, balance myself and try not to knock my Simon Pearce plates from the shelf. No, that takes too much effort and I'm into not exerting myself if I don't need to. I'm too damn lazy to move the block and I haven't trained the cats to lift and carry plus pal-Melissa refuses to aid in this self-harm so, see, everyone wins.

Enthusiasm--huh. That's a toughie. Hmmm..I'm enthusiastic that I don't have the strength to mosey on down to the corner store to load up on Fritos, Suzy-Q's and Arizona Tea which will enthusiastically stick to my ass and thighs. I'm enthusiastic that I don't have the care to walk over to the hoodlums on the corner to tell them to shut their yappers. (do they have to talk that loudly? I mean really--no one gives a crap about your baby daddy drama! It's boring and it's your own damn fault for getting knocked up at 16! Yeah, I said it!)

Exactly who thinks I'm great? I think the jury's still out on that. The only ones who think I'm great are those who are legally required to think I am. So, well, that makes the total head count around, um, zero.

Horoscopes like today's just make me realize that whoever is writing them either need a lobotomy or should probably have the voltage upped a few at their next appointment.

Dreams of Knitting, Trakehners and Hall & Oates

I don' t know if it's the weather, the Ambien, the flannel sheets or the fact that I've been exercising everyday but I've been sleeping better these past 3 days. When the alarm went off at 5:30 am and the overly chipper NPR newsreader said that the job sitch wasn't going to get any better for, oh, the next 3 months, I fell back into a defeated slumber. Really, what's the POINT of getting out of bed when you hear that kind of good news?

So, I fell into a weird dreamscape.

Lori Botterman was telling me about Hall & Oates big move back to Chicago to open a knitting store. Oh, and she was going to be the store manager but she had to wear Cosby-esque sweaters and football cleats since the store floor was actually grass. H & O were also going to provide her with transportation: A Trakehner horse for each day of the week. Then, Lori started to sound like one of my cats which woke me up immediately.

It's beautiful outside. The sky is that brilliant blue that is unique to September. It's eerie in a way because it mimics the sky on that fateful day almost 7 years ago when nut-job hijackers took over a bunch of planes and flew a few into prominent American landmarks and one into a cornfield in Pennsylvania for reasons no one will be able to understand. Ever. We all lost a piece of ourselves that day. The fear-mongering and anguish our leaders passed onto us all has hobbled us more than many realize. Now, there are some who want to continue with that platform because they find lipstick wearing pitbulls alluring. Ugh.

The whole thing gives me gas.

The Unemployable One

Two years ago this week, I started journalism graduate school in Chicago. I remember the first day like it was yesterday and it strangely mirrored my first day of high school. I had new threads, notebooks and awesome pens--thanks to my sister Liza and our shared obsession for fine writing utensils.

I had so much hope for this program, for this degree. I had wallowed in confusion and mild depression since leaving Hollywood filmdom and finally decided on journalism when a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist from the Chicago Tribune told me I could make a good journalist. I believed him but it took a few starts, stops and lots of research before I settled on a program. Actually, this was the only program that accepted me. The "right" Columbia said "Thanks but no thanks."

Those rat bastards didn't know what they were missing.

Instead, the "wrong" Columbia took me in like the runt of the litter nobody wanted after lots of arm-twisting, whining and doctored transcripts (kidding of course). Much coinage was exchanged and I joined some 20 other wide-eyed would-be journalists--most under the age of 25--searching for stories in Chicago.

I felt both old and oddly at home. I was older than a couple of my profs which brought my deeply-seeded insecurities to the surface like a big-ass, hairy zit. You know, like the kind of zit you get after a facial. One strategically placed squeeze would send all the pus and dirt onto the mirror like canned RediWhip onto an ice-cream sundae. Yum! One mention of my age, even in a joking manner, sent me into a tizzy. When this happened, 'why the fuck am I doing this?' emails were sent out to my friends in LA which were then answered with reassuring phone calls. After all, I was seen as some sort of champion to my long-time friends. I was living proof that there is life after the movie biz. For the longest time, I did not see myself the way they did and to this day, I still don't see it sometimes.

For the next year and a half, I worked my ass off. I worked overtime on my insomnia--a problem I still deal with to this very day with serious pharmaceuticals. I interviewed such folks as Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-ME), Tony Peraica (who offered me a job on his campaign) and Judge Mike Salvagni--to name a few. I wrote about Liberian refugees in Chicago, endless immigration issues, foster care and Montana's meth problems and innovative solutions.

I stood in the freezing cold on a brilliantly sunny day in Springfield and watched Sen. Barack Obama announce his candidacy for President of the United States. Months later, I stood in the bowels of Soldier Field on a brutally hot August night and spoke broken-Swahili to candidate Obama while a few of my fellow-ass kissing and extremely obnoxious NBC interns looked on in envy and wonder. I overheard one say, "How does SHE know THAT language? Like, for reals!"

I loved every minute of it.

Fast-forward to today. I've been searching for a job since mid-November 2007 and have had a few interesting interviews but no offers. The constant rejection has left me deeply depressed and frustrated. It's gotten to the point that whenever I read an article or column written by someone whom I believe to be sub-mental, I send an email tirade to fellow journalists and friends--both old and new--ranting about the bullshit job market. I know they're fed up these emails, but shit howdy, I am fucking sick of sending them out. It would be nice to send out a "HOLY FUCK! I GOT A JOB! A REAL JOB! NOT A PRETEND JOB! A REAL ONE!"

In the interim, I keep my couch down, watch endless hours of election year drivel and miscellaneous shows and think of topics to write about for a local website that I greatly admire. I've also written for TheStreet.com and am currently working on story ideas for a few trade magazines and associations.

I also think of innovative ways to get my money back for this degree that has made more unemployable than before. I've started to work out daily--I'm up to about an hour/day. Most of my sweat is result of beating the crap out of a heavy bag at my gym. I've been approached by a boxing coach who said I coulda been a contendaah if I were younger. Now, boxing is an area where ageism doesn't bother me all that much. I really don't feel like living out my remaining days in a rehab facility, begging my guilt-ridden trainer to put me out of my misery...


So, as a result of this current unpleasantness, I've decided to revive this blog. My goal is to post something daily. Some posts will be dull, some hopefully insightful but all will be wacky in some manner--that much I can promise. I hope y'all enjoy it and feel free to let me know either way. I'll probably ignore what you have to say, but that shouldn't stop you from sending your thoughts along.

-Jules