Oct. 16th Horoscope

From today's Chicago Sun-Times online section. I love the Sun-Times because not only do they have a few horoscopes to choose from depending on your mood, they also offer an "Astrological Questions" section which is chock full o' good fodder!

By Holiday Mathis: PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You have unique freedoms. Those who require much of other people will give you a no-obligation, all-access pass. Use this fabulous opportunity to focus on the endeavors you feel you were destined to do.

First, the astrologer's name has to be addressed. She's an astrologer because with a name like Holiday, she couldn't land a job answering phones at a used car dealership. Harsh? Perhaps, but really now, it's not unusual, it's dumb. Her parents should have known better.

Now, onto today's Pisces astrological forecast.
Unique freedoms--just what are those exactly? I have the freedom to change the channel on the TV and what's unique about is I am currently working on an channel changing device that was inspired by Jeannie and her magical eye-blinking. However, I'm taking a hiatus now to let some of the burr holes in my skull heal. Plus, some of the wires I've implanted in my skull aren't exactly sanitary, if you know what I mean. That's what I get for raiding construction sites at night for scraps.

The only all-access passes I will accept involve Yanni and Neil Diamond because observing the people around these guys would be priceless. I'd also take an all-access pass to witness "preacher" Joel O'Steen. Seriously, there is something really, really creepy about this guy. He's a modern day Jim Bakker minus the religion. Oh no, it's not god O'Steen is peddling..it's him claiming he wants to help in the name of God, but only if you pay for it. Ugh. The whole thing makes me sick.

"...focus on the endeavors you feel you were destined to do."
Focus on the endeavors...shit. This is so fucking stupid, I'm not going to comment on it.

I had to comment on Georgia's Oct. 15th horoscope because there's just too much material there.
By Georgia Nicols: PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Hopefully, you were able to clear up messy details about shared property, insurance matters, taxes and debt and issues with partners. The last six weeks were an excellent time to do this. Now you can go forward on a more solid footing with realistic expectations.

Okay now this is more like it! None of that "Oh, you're gonna have a grand, beautiful day and all flowers will smile & wave at you!" drivel that rarely happens. Let's face it, things are shitty right now and candy-coating just how shitty things are, ain't gonna work. It's like going negative in political ads--being positive and chirpy ain't gonna fly with even the truest of astrological believers.

"...shared property, insurance matters, taxes and debt.." Nope, no legally shared property here. I'll have to ask my fellow squatters what they think of the term 'shared property' and if the burned out loft we 'chill' in is considered 'shared property.'
Insurance matters? Well, I'm about to purchase disability, life and renter's insurance. That counts, right?
Taxes--shit--only the little people pay taxes.
Finally, debt. Got some big-ass student loan payments looming that I won't be able to pay. I wonder exactly what a big-ass student loan payment looks like. Hmm..tough to imagine but it's nice to know that I have my afternoon work cut out for me.

"...Now you can go forward on a more solid footing with realistic expectations."
That's horseshit and you know it, Ms. Nicols.

Now, onto today's horoscope by Ms. Georgia Nicols.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): This is an exciting day because you'll encounter new people and new places, both of which will be stimulating and even eye-opening. ("I didn't even know this existed!") You're also up for bright new ideas that are out of the box. People are impressed with your energy and your genius.

This has "Julia is going to jail" written all over it. Seriously, read between the lines and you'll see what I mean.
Or, it could mean I'm going to an Opus Dei convention to perfect my self-flagellation techniques and be brainwashed into believing that the Jews are the root of all evil. But, Mel Gibson will be my slab-mate, so that's encouraging. He's teeny tiny and, therefore, will be my bitch.