December 17 Horoscope

So, Oprah is fat again.

Aaaannd this is news why?

There's just way too much emphasis on a woman's appearance in this society. It's like a woman isn't worthy if she's over a size 4. It's fucking bullshit and what's worse is that most folks buy into this archaic belief. What's even worse is I personally know a lot of folks who buy into it and it's very disappointing. But, what can I do about it?

Enough about Oprah since O Magazine doesn't have a horoscope section. Why should it when the target audience are women who live in places like Hinsdale and, therefore, have tons of cash to buy themselves their very own astrological sign?

Let's check out Elle magazine's January 2009 horoscope and Numerology by Suzanne Gerber and Bridgett Walther, respectively.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) "With Jupiter hot-wiring your intuition vehicle just as Venus enters your sign in the first week of January, your sixth sense is in overdrive, and it would be pedestrian to ignore it. Trust those vibes and hunches. When Venus mashes up with Uranus on the 23rd, Just don't share all this with your honey; with Saturn off course, there might be a misunderstanding."

Is an intuition vehicle a new automobile coming out of Detroit in the new year? I certainly hope so because it sounds pretty cool! How fun would it be to drive a car that doubles as a psychic? Think about it. You get in, put the key in the ignition and get a reading on the day or month or whatever time frame you program it to. Think about it. If your car tells you you're in for a sucky day, you can return to your couch and watch King of Queens reruns. Personally, I think an intuition vehicle could save the car business.

"...think spontaneous self-makeover." If I 'think' spontaneous self-makeover, does that mean the makeover will happen without me having to move a muscle? Now, that's what I'm talkin' about! I get to 'think' about a makeover without having to go through the humiliation of having my being scrutinized, criticized and buried under wads of clothing and making that make me look like a poster child for the out of work, poor muckrakers of the world.

Elle Numerology for January. My personal number is 5.
This month, you're a thrill-seeker in search of a high, but not exactly of the Amy Winehouse or Pete Doherty variety. As strange as it sounds, you'll get your biggest rush from trying an extreme sport. (Do you know anyone with a motorcycle?) When it comes to love, you're still dealing with the pain of a past relationship and not ready to settle down just yet. In the meantime, you'll be the one breaking hearts.

Since I've done other thrill-seeking activities that don't involve drugs and alcohol, imbibing in the spirit of Amy and Pete sounds like a pretty fun time. Rehab isn't something I've tried yet, and you know what? It sounds like a hoot. Could you see me hanging out with Jeff Conaway, Joanie Chyna Laurer and my latest batshit crazy crush, Gary Busey? I mean, Chyna and I could compare guns. I could watch Jeff drool and Gary twitch. Hmm...something to ponder whilst I eat a pound of fudge over the next few hours.

"As strange as it sounds, you'll get your biggest rush from trying an extreme sport." Ok, an extreme sport to me is paying my student loans and other bills with no income. It takes great skill, patience and conniving ways to be able to accomplish this. I don't recommend anyone try this at home without being checked out by a doctor first. If you experience dizziness, shortness of breath or start to feel light-headed, stop immediately and consider a life of crime. I've experienced those physical feelings but I attribute them to caffeine, chocolate and cheap liquor withdrawal.

That's it for today. I'm off to spread joy !

December 16 Horoscope/Horrorscope

I know it's been about a month since I've posted but I have a good excuse. Really I do.

I had to have my couch surgically removed from my ass--kind of along the lines of this woman. My surgery was a bit more involved since it's tougher to remove microfibers from ass-skin. I'm recovering nicely and should be able to sit down soon.

Today, I was alerted to this site from a friend and it's right up my alley. So many daily horoscopes are filled with holiday-speak, which to me, is a big bowl o' boredom. Yawn...reindeer play in your 7th house...zzzzz...mistletoe is moving into retrograde....zzzzzzz...Jupiter is spinning your dreidel. You get the idea.

Here's my answer to all of the horoscopes filled with holiday crap.

It's from nobeliefs.com.
Pisces: the Fish

February 19-- March 20

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1) You are a humble person.

2) You are a very strong person

3) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI.

4) Your ignorance is encyclopedic.

5) Pisces people smell like dead fish.

6) Pisces politicians are so dumb that they have been known to fly to Manila just to thank them for their envelopes.

7) People consider you a parasite for sore eyes.

8) Your brain is so small that it's amazing that you're able to place one foot in front of the other.

9) You are a humble person, because you really aren't great.

10) When the horoscope said that you were strong, it meant your body odor.

11) When you die, it will be in your own arms.

12) When people look into your eyes, they get the feeling someone else is driving.

13) You're hokey pokey and that what it's all about.

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Best career moves: aquarium cleaner, barnacle scraper, sewage maintenance

I don't know where to start! This is just chock-full of great material. It's obvious that numbers 1, 2 and 3 are strong Jules characteristics--I mean, duh! The others are just awe-inspiring and the road to discovering these traits will be one filled with dead whores, pot holes, bright pink peonies and the occasional French dip sammich with au jus sauce. Not to worry: The whores will already be dead by the time I reach them. Those wild days are behind me, my friends. Bright pink peonies, well, they're my favorite flower. Pot holes, well, they're everywhere and unavoidable. My car was lost in one last year. I've never had a French dip sammich with au jus sauce. It just sounds kinda tasty right now.

What really interests me are the suggested best career moves. They all sound so fulfilling and revolve around water. Dirty water. I'm bound to get cholera no matter which career I set my sights on.

Finally, something to live for!