From The Village Voice, Free Will Astrology for the week of Oct. 15th thru 22nd.
An ounce of pretension, is worth a pound of bull shit.
By Rob Brezsny: PISCES [February 19–March 20] In medieval Europe, more resources and human ingenuity were lavished upon cathedrals and churches than on any other buildings. In the last hundred years, the emphasis has been different, having switched to the towering structures that house institutions dedicated to commerce. By that measure, Money is a far more important God than God. I invite you, Pisces, to buck the modern trend. See if you can devote at least 1 more percent of your energy and intelligence to matters of the spirit and soul than to the demands of the material realm. I suspect you'll find, ironically, that this will lead to an increase of your mastery over the material realm.
You a know a horoscope is trouble when Medieval Europe is mentioned in the first sentence. When I think of Medieval Europe, my mind wanders to those twinks who are really into King Dick's Faire and the SCA.
For those of you who are too lazy to click on the link, here's the abbreviated Julia version of the SCA: These are folks who divide the planet up into kingdoms and have mock battles a la any olde tyme war where there was armor, mud, armored-covered horses, Robert the Bruce, serving wenches, mead and wooden catapults. They give themselves names like Lord Duckworth of Gaul and have tournaments where they have duels with swords made out of duct-tape, peg board and corncobs. (I made up the corncob part, but wouldn't that be a cool weapon?)
Oh, and they go around speaking in the King's English ALL THE TIME. "Would ye like a mug of mead?" Shut up, shut up, SHUT UP!
So, after seeing Medieval Europe mentioned, well, I 'shut it down' and not in the Rachel Zoe kinda way.
"In the last hundred years, the emphasis has been different, having switched to the towering structures that house institutions dedicated to commerce."
Zzzzz..Mr. Brezsny knows his history. Well, shit howdy. But, I would like to see that part stitched on a pillow somewhere because that would be a good gift for a capitalist. Or for Hank Paulson.
Then, I reached this part: "... Money is a far more important God than God."
Hallelujah! Sounds like a good mantra for me to live by these days! It seems like you can't reach God these days unless you have money so it's good to know that money is ultimately, well... you get the idea.
"I invite you, Pisces, to buck the modern trend."
The modern trend is being bucked by this broke-ass Pisces, so there's no need to invite me along.
As for this part, why bother? "See if you can devote at least 1 more percent of your energy and intelligence to matters of the spirit and soul than to the demands of the material realm."
I definitely don't live in the material realm like many of them fancy big city mice, so I'm going to take that remaining 1 more percent of my energy and intelligence to watching movies on my eyelids, and by letting the dust bunnies in my living room roam free instead of living a caged life inside a Dyson canister.
Who really cares what happened in Medieval Europe? I certainly don't. It's hard enough keeping up with modern times why would anyone start out a horoscope with what was going on during the plague years? Just tell me what's happening with my stars for that day and I won't feel the need to hogtie you and force you to watching hours and hours of Charles in Charge and Gimme A Break! to get you to lighten up.
Friday, October 17, 2008
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Oct. 16th Horoscope
From today's Chicago Sun-Times online section. I love the Sun-Times because not only do they have a few horoscopes to choose from depending on your mood, they also offer an "Astrological Questions" section which is chock full o' good fodder!
By Holiday Mathis: PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You have unique freedoms. Those who require much of other people will give you a no-obligation, all-access pass. Use this fabulous opportunity to focus on the endeavors you feel you were destined to do.
First, the astrologer's name has to be addressed. She's an astrologer because with a name like Holiday, she couldn't land a job answering phones at a used car dealership. Harsh? Perhaps, but really now, it's not unusual, it's dumb. Her parents should have known better.
Now, onto today's Pisces astrological forecast.
Unique freedoms--just what are those exactly? I have the freedom to change the channel on the TV and what's unique about is I am currently working on an channel changing device that was inspired by Jeannie and her magical eye-blinking. However, I'm taking a hiatus now to let some of the burr holes in my skull heal. Plus, some of the wires I've implanted in my skull aren't exactly sanitary, if you know what I mean. That's what I get for raiding construction sites at night for scraps.
The only all-access passes I will accept involve Yanni and Neil Diamond because observing the people around these guys would be priceless. I'd also take an all-access pass to witness "preacher" Joel O'Steen. Seriously, there is something really, really creepy about this guy. He's a modern day Jim Bakker minus the religion. Oh no, it's not god O'Steen is peddling..it's him claiming he wants to help in the name of God, but only if you pay for it. Ugh. The whole thing makes me sick.
"...focus on the endeavors you feel you were destined to do."
Focus on the endeavors...shit. This is so fucking stupid, I'm not going to comment on it.
I had to comment on Georgia's Oct. 15th horoscope because there's just too much material there.
By Georgia Nicols: PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Hopefully, you were able to clear up messy details about shared property, insurance matters, taxes and debt and issues with partners. The last six weeks were an excellent time to do this. Now you can go forward on a more solid footing with realistic expectations.
Okay now this is more like it! None of that "Oh, you're gonna have a grand, beautiful day and all flowers will smile & wave at you!" drivel that rarely happens. Let's face it, things are shitty right now and candy-coating just how shitty things are, ain't gonna work. It's like going negative in political ads--being positive and chirpy ain't gonna fly with even the truest of astrological believers.
"...shared property, insurance matters, taxes and debt.." Nope, no legally shared property here. I'll have to ask my fellow squatters what they think of the term 'shared property' and if the burned out loft we 'chill' in is considered 'shared property.'
Insurance matters? Well, I'm about to purchase disability, life and renter's insurance. That counts, right?
Taxes--shit--only the little people pay taxes.
Finally, debt. Got some big-ass student loan payments looming that I won't be able to pay. I wonder exactly what a big-ass student loan payment looks like. Hmm..tough to imagine but it's nice to know that I have my afternoon work cut out for me.
"...Now you can go forward on a more solid footing with realistic expectations."
That's horseshit and you know it, Ms. Nicols.
Now, onto today's horoscope by Ms. Georgia Nicols.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): This is an exciting day because you'll encounter new people and new places, both of which will be stimulating and even eye-opening. ("I didn't even know this existed!") You're also up for bright new ideas that are out of the box. People are impressed with your energy and your genius.
This has "Julia is going to jail" written all over it. Seriously, read between the lines and you'll see what I mean.
Or, it could mean I'm going to an Opus Dei convention to perfect my self-flagellation techniques and be brainwashed into believing that the Jews are the root of all evil. But, Mel Gibson will be my slab-mate, so that's encouraging. He's teeny tiny and, therefore, will be my bitch.
By Holiday Mathis: PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): You have unique freedoms. Those who require much of other people will give you a no-obligation, all-access pass. Use this fabulous opportunity to focus on the endeavors you feel you were destined to do.
First, the astrologer's name has to be addressed. She's an astrologer because with a name like Holiday, she couldn't land a job answering phones at a used car dealership. Harsh? Perhaps, but really now, it's not unusual, it's dumb. Her parents should have known better.
Now, onto today's Pisces astrological forecast.
Unique freedoms--just what are those exactly? I have the freedom to change the channel on the TV and what's unique about is I am currently working on an channel changing device that was inspired by Jeannie and her magical eye-blinking. However, I'm taking a hiatus now to let some of the burr holes in my skull heal. Plus, some of the wires I've implanted in my skull aren't exactly sanitary, if you know what I mean. That's what I get for raiding construction sites at night for scraps.
The only all-access passes I will accept involve Yanni and Neil Diamond because observing the people around these guys would be priceless. I'd also take an all-access pass to witness "preacher" Joel O'Steen. Seriously, there is something really, really creepy about this guy. He's a modern day Jim Bakker minus the religion. Oh no, it's not god O'Steen is peddling..it's him claiming he wants to help in the name of God, but only if you pay for it. Ugh. The whole thing makes me sick.
"...focus on the endeavors you feel you were destined to do."
Focus on the endeavors...shit. This is so fucking stupid, I'm not going to comment on it.
I had to comment on Georgia's Oct. 15th horoscope because there's just too much material there.
By Georgia Nicols: PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Hopefully, you were able to clear up messy details about shared property, insurance matters, taxes and debt and issues with partners. The last six weeks were an excellent time to do this. Now you can go forward on a more solid footing with realistic expectations.
Okay now this is more like it! None of that "Oh, you're gonna have a grand, beautiful day and all flowers will smile & wave at you!" drivel that rarely happens. Let's face it, things are shitty right now and candy-coating just how shitty things are, ain't gonna work. It's like going negative in political ads--being positive and chirpy ain't gonna fly with even the truest of astrological believers.
"...shared property, insurance matters, taxes and debt.." Nope, no legally shared property here. I'll have to ask my fellow squatters what they think of the term 'shared property' and if the burned out loft we 'chill' in is considered 'shared property.'
Insurance matters? Well, I'm about to purchase disability, life and renter's insurance. That counts, right?
Taxes--shit--only the little people pay taxes.
Finally, debt. Got some big-ass student loan payments looming that I won't be able to pay. I wonder exactly what a big-ass student loan payment looks like. Hmm..tough to imagine but it's nice to know that I have my afternoon work cut out for me.
"...Now you can go forward on a more solid footing with realistic expectations."
That's horseshit and you know it, Ms. Nicols.
Now, onto today's horoscope by Ms. Georgia Nicols.
PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): This is an exciting day because you'll encounter new people and new places, both of which will be stimulating and even eye-opening. ("I didn't even know this existed!") You're also up for bright new ideas that are out of the box. People are impressed with your energy and your genius.
This has "Julia is going to jail" written all over it. Seriously, read between the lines and you'll see what I mean.
Or, it could mean I'm going to an Opus Dei convention to perfect my self-flagellation techniques and be brainwashed into believing that the Jews are the root of all evil. But, Mel Gibson will be my slab-mate, so that's encouraging. He's teeny tiny and, therefore, will be my bitch.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Horoscope Oct. 15th
From The Chicago Tribune for Oct. 15th.
"Today is a 7. Relax and study the material you've been saving for the right time. Finally, you can concentrate."
I don't like today's Pisces horoscope because it's lame, so I've decided to pick and choose from the other signs.
Aries: "Today is a 7. There's money coming in because of your own hard work."
Finally, a horoscope I can get behind! I just want to know when this money is going to appear in my grubby little paws and what the the definition of 'hard work' is. If it entails me drinking Barium or dressing up like a pervy little match girl, then I'm not interested.
Taurus: "Today is a 7. You are determined to get your own way, but that might be a challenge. Use charm, not threats.”
I need to edit this a bit: Use charms AND threats. Now, that's better.
Virgo: "Today is a 7. You're starting to look around for new horizons to conquer."
Gosh, conquering sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? Naah...I don't want to leave the comfort of my living room so my plan is to conquer the remote control and the dust bunnies under my couch. I'm also too concerned with the goings-on with the Missing Link who lives across the street. His life is a performance piece and shant be missed by yours truly. Plus, the act of conquering sounds like it costs a lot of money. Perhaps I will conquer something when today's Aries prediction comes through.
Capricorn: "Today is an 8. You think you don't care what others think, but of course you do."
Nope, I don't. See, when you get to be my age, you start to care less and less about what others think of you. Life is too short to worry about what someone you know, and probably don't care for all that much, thinks about the decisions you've made and the life you lead. Those are their issues, not yours. Just keep growing that hydroponic pot in your bathroom and cleaning your gun whilst tipsy. It's your life--celebrate it!
"Today is a 7. Relax and study the material you've been saving for the right time. Finally, you can concentrate."
I don't like today's Pisces horoscope because it's lame, so I've decided to pick and choose from the other signs.
Aries: "Today is a 7. There's money coming in because of your own hard work."
Finally, a horoscope I can get behind! I just want to know when this money is going to appear in my grubby little paws and what the the definition of 'hard work' is. If it entails me drinking Barium or dressing up like a pervy little match girl, then I'm not interested.
Taurus: "Today is a 7. You are determined to get your own way, but that might be a challenge. Use charm, not threats.”
I need to edit this a bit: Use charms AND threats. Now, that's better.
Virgo: "Today is a 7. You're starting to look around for new horizons to conquer."
Gosh, conquering sounds like a lot of work, doesn't it? Naah...I don't want to leave the comfort of my living room so my plan is to conquer the remote control and the dust bunnies under my couch. I'm also too concerned with the goings-on with the Missing Link who lives across the street. His life is a performance piece and shant be missed by yours truly. Plus, the act of conquering sounds like it costs a lot of money. Perhaps I will conquer something when today's Aries prediction comes through.
Capricorn: "Today is an 8. You think you don't care what others think, but of course you do."
Nope, I don't. See, when you get to be my age, you start to care less and less about what others think of you. Life is too short to worry about what someone you know, and probably don't care for all that much, thinks about the decisions you've made and the life you lead. Those are their issues, not yours. Just keep growing that hydroponic pot in your bathroom and cleaning your gun whilst tipsy. It's your life--celebrate it!
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
horoscope, Oct. 14th.
Today's Pisces horoscope in The Chicago Tribune:
"Your enthusiasm and productivity are drawing rave reviews. Everybody thinks you're great."
Okay, my enthusiasm and productivity are drawing rave reviews--from whom? My cats? My main productivity everyday is moving my ass from one end of the couch to the other and keeping my paws out of the knife block since I'm thisclose to stabbing myself silly with my Global Butcher Knife. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending what you think of me) the knife block is not at waist level--it's in the nosebleed section of my kitchen cabinets. See, I'd have to climb on the counter, balance myself and try not to knock my Simon Pearce plates from the shelf. No, that takes too much effort and I'm into not exerting myself if I don't need to. I'm too damn lazy to move the block and I haven't trained the cats to lift and carry plus pal-Melissa refuses to aid in this self-harm so, see, everyone wins.
Enthusiasm--huh. That's a toughie. Hmmm..I'm enthusiastic that I don't have the strength to mosey on down to the corner store to load up on Fritos, Suzy-Q's and Arizona Tea which will enthusiastically stick to my ass and thighs. I'm enthusiastic that I don't have the care to walk over to the hoodlums on the corner to tell them to shut their yappers. (do they have to talk that loudly? I mean really--no one gives a crap about your baby daddy drama! It's boring and it's your own damn fault for getting knocked up at 16! Yeah, I said it!)
Exactly who thinks I'm great? I think the jury's still out on that. The only ones who think I'm great are those who are legally required to think I am. So, well, that makes the total head count around, um, zero.
Horoscopes like today's just make me realize that whoever is writing them either need a lobotomy or should probably have the voltage upped a few at their next appointment.
"Your enthusiasm and productivity are drawing rave reviews. Everybody thinks you're great."
Okay, my enthusiasm and productivity are drawing rave reviews--from whom? My cats? My main productivity everyday is moving my ass from one end of the couch to the other and keeping my paws out of the knife block since I'm thisclose to stabbing myself silly with my Global Butcher Knife. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending what you think of me) the knife block is not at waist level--it's in the nosebleed section of my kitchen cabinets. See, I'd have to climb on the counter, balance myself and try not to knock my Simon Pearce plates from the shelf. No, that takes too much effort and I'm into not exerting myself if I don't need to. I'm too damn lazy to move the block and I haven't trained the cats to lift and carry plus pal-Melissa refuses to aid in this self-harm so, see, everyone wins.
Enthusiasm--huh. That's a toughie. Hmmm..I'm enthusiastic that I don't have the strength to mosey on down to the corner store to load up on Fritos, Suzy-Q's and Arizona Tea which will enthusiastically stick to my ass and thighs. I'm enthusiastic that I don't have the care to walk over to the hoodlums on the corner to tell them to shut their yappers. (do they have to talk that loudly? I mean really--no one gives a crap about your baby daddy drama! It's boring and it's your own damn fault for getting knocked up at 16! Yeah, I said it!)
Exactly who thinks I'm great? I think the jury's still out on that. The only ones who think I'm great are those who are legally required to think I am. So, well, that makes the total head count around, um, zero.
Horoscopes like today's just make me realize that whoever is writing them either need a lobotomy or should probably have the voltage upped a few at their next appointment.
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