horoscope, Oct. 14th.

Today's Pisces horoscope in The Chicago Tribune:
"Your enthusiasm and productivity are drawing rave reviews. Everybody thinks you're great."
Okay, my enthusiasm and productivity are drawing rave reviews--from whom? My cats? My main productivity everyday is moving my ass from one end of the couch to the other and keeping my paws out of the knife block since I'm thisclose to stabbing myself silly with my Global Butcher Knife. Fortunately (or unfortunately depending what you think of me) the knife block is not at waist level--it's in the nosebleed section of my kitchen cabinets. See, I'd have to climb on the counter, balance myself and try not to knock my Simon Pearce plates from the shelf. No, that takes too much effort and I'm into not exerting myself if I don't need to. I'm too damn lazy to move the block and I haven't trained the cats to lift and carry plus pal-Melissa refuses to aid in this self-harm so, see, everyone wins.

Enthusiasm--huh. That's a toughie. Hmmm..I'm enthusiastic that I don't have the strength to mosey on down to the corner store to load up on Fritos, Suzy-Q's and Arizona Tea which will enthusiastically stick to my ass and thighs. I'm enthusiastic that I don't have the care to walk over to the hoodlums on the corner to tell them to shut their yappers. (do they have to talk that loudly? I mean really--no one gives a crap about your baby daddy drama! It's boring and it's your own damn fault for getting knocked up at 16! Yeah, I said it!)

Exactly who thinks I'm great? I think the jury's still out on that. The only ones who think I'm great are those who are legally required to think I am. So, well, that makes the total head count around, um, zero.

Horoscopes like today's just make me realize that whoever is writing them either need a lobotomy or should probably have the voltage upped a few at their next appointment.