Oct. 30th Horoscope

Sorry this is so late today, but I stood in line for 2.5 hours to vote. It was worth it completely.

I took another gander at the Village Voice to see if Rob Brezsny has learned that it's necessary to stop the Q-tip when he feels pressure.

"PISCES [February 19–March 20] If you knew how perfect a time it is for you to dance the forbidden dance, you would begin immediately. You would break out the sexy, world-in-upheaval grooves you slip into during your ecstatic dreams. You would unleash the words that have never been spoken and crack the codes that have never been broken. Please, dear Pisces, have faith in your ability to thrive in the wild frontier where every fantasy is ripe to be mutated. Halloween costume suggestion: the dancer who dances the forbidden dance."

Apparently, Mr. Brezsny missed the day in health class when the lesson 'never-put-anything-in-your-ear-smaller-than-your-elbow" was taught.

"If you knew how perfect a time it is for you to dance the forbidden dance, you would begin immediately."

In order for me to 'dance the forbidden dance' I would have to start ingesting the meth I make in my kitchen which would so go against the mantra I cherish from my 80s style icon, Elvira from Scarface: Don't get high on your own supply. So, injecting meth and drooling over the meth mouth wish book in my dentist's office are activities I won't be participating in anytime soon. Sigh.

"You would break out the sexy, world-in-upheaval grooves you slip into during your ecstatic dreams."

Those who know me are quite aware that I'm about as sexy as a bucket of paste, but the 'world-in-upheaval grooves' just doesn't make any sense to me and it probably involves rubbing patchouli on certain body parts for enlightenment purposes. Rubbing something on my skin that smells like burning dirt mixed with hair is just not an option.

"You would unleash the words that have never been spoken and crack the codes that have never been broken."

Hmmm, 'words that have never been spoken.' Hmmm. "Julia, we'd like to offer you a job with lifetime benefits for your extended family, a new Mercedes Benz every year for life, $250k salary to start with a 10 percent raise every quarter even if the company goes belly-up and no chance of ever being fired and a lifetime membership to a high-falutin' spa.

"...crack the codes that have never been broken." I'm not into cracking codes because it would take time away from keeping the couch down and would require thinking about things I really don't give a crap about. But, I would like to see someone crack the code on how Reese's Peanut Butter cups are made. And Oreos. And Starbursts.

"Please, dear Pisces, have faith in your ability to thrive in the wild frontier where every fantasy is ripe to be mutated."
When I see the words 'wild frontier,' I have this image of someone going off to find himself, living in an abandoned bus in the wilds of Alaska and living off the land then dying from starvation. Wait, that's been done before?

"Halloween costume suggestion: the dancer who dances the forbidden dance." Oy vey.

Homework: What is your greatest fear? Make fun of it this Halloween. Tell me about it at FreeWillAstrology.com.

My greatest fear is that Mr. Brezsny is going to scarf down a piece of unpretentious, boring pie and start writing dull horoscopes that I won't be able to mock endlessly.

November Numerology from Elle magazine/Bridgett Walther

Numerology uses the power of numbers to predict significant life cycles. Determine your personal number by adding the day and month of your birth date. Continue adding until you get a single digit. For example, if your birthday is July 4, your personal number is 7 + 4 = 11. And 1 + 1 = 2, the personal number you’ll keep for life.

My number is 5--I was born on February 21. Feb is the 2nd month so I add 2+21=23, 2+3=5 so my power number is 5--FOREVER. I've got that going for me, which is nice.

"After a mellow couple of months, you're about to get lucky, whether it's at the gaming table, around the boardroom table, or on the, um, kitchen table. You're bold and confident--not foreign feelings to most "la vida loca" Five women. And although you appear wild and carefree to your admirers, you're carefully choreographing your every move to avoid any wildfire accidents. At work, this extra boost of confidence shows up in your projects--and the boss takes notice."

I'm sorry, I wasn't paying attention because I'm watching a commercial featuring Jennifer Love Hewitt's really bad skin and the gasoline-based product she uses to clear it up. Even with a heavy layer of clown makeup, you'd still be able to see the mini Mt. Etnas on her face. Yep, spoken like a woman who has never had skin problems.

"After a mellow couple of months, you're about to get lucky, whether it's at the gaming table, around the boardroom table, or on the, um, kitchen table."
I hope I get lucky at the gaming table because I could use the cash to buy some Atlantic City-fabulous hair extensions and dragon lady nails. It's all part of this new look I'm hoping to unveil around Thanksgiving. You won't be disappointed at all.

"You're bold and confident--not foreign feelings to most "la vida loca" Five women. "
Good lord--referencing Ricky Martin, the I-think-he's-still-in-the-closet-gay icon? (or is he out of the closet yet? My gaydar is off. David Barber, help me out please) Yikes, it's such a dated reference, too.
I am usually bold and confident--when I'm wearing the right deodorant and don't have spinach stuck in between my teefus.

"And although you appear wild and carefree to your admirers, you're carefully choreographing your every move to avoid any wildfire accidents."
Carefree and wild? Sounds like the tag line for a tampon ad. Or like salmon swimming upstream and right before they get eaten by a grizzly or an eagle. It's like "La la, I'm swimming. La la." then CHOMP. I like that better than "Gosh, not feeling so fresh and, oops, uh-oh! I believe it's time to find a new pair of white jeans!"
I think it would be cool to choreograph every move--if done properly. However, if you're not careful, one might end up looking like the mini-douches in High School Musical 3.

As for worrying about 'wildfire accidents,' no need to worry. I promised my PO that my arson days are over--for now. We'll see what happens on November 4th before I decide to put away my matches and assortment of accelerants.

Oct. 28th Horoscope

I'm not feeling it today, so this is going to be rough.

Let's check in with Georgia Nicols from the Chicago Sun Times again.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): "Is there any kind of training or further education that would help you in your job or even to enrich your life? Think about this. What could you do to expand your skills or your awareness about what you need to know?"

Okay Einstein, was this horoscope written about 3 years ago when I was contemplating either going to grad school or opening up a new, kid-friendly opium den?
I've expanded my skills and gosh, all this new book learnin' and real world experience has brought me nothing.
Ugh, this horoscope is boring. Let's see what else I can find.

Weird Al always scores--

Pisces
You are the true Lord of the Dance, no matter what those
idiots at work say
-- Weird Al, "Your Horoscope For Today"

Who knew that a man with poodle hair could make anyone's week?
I have a confession to make--I've always wanted to be one of those
Lord of the Dance-esque dancers.
The dance style is hypnotic and what's great about it is you don't need to
ingest large amounts of alcohol to enjoy it. It's pretty cool but I wouldn't
be surprised if half of those gals with the unnaturally red curly-cue locks
end up getting knee replacements by the time they're 20. Either that, or they'll
be in rehab.