Halloween non-horror-scope.

I'm not Captain Obvious today. I'm not going to scour the Internets for spooky horoscopes because I think that those folks who live and breathe by what their daily horoscopes say, are really pissed off when they have to read the Halloween-themed ones. I don't blame them since the themed-ones are a waste of fine cosmic thought. Really now, who wants to read "The moon is in your seventh haunted house....boo! Watch out for looming spectres and witches who are going to steal your soul or worse, your candy stash!" I wonder if that's why some folks off themselves on Halloween: lame daily horoscopes for October 31.

Well, this one is lame, but not as lame as "Avoid black cats and, entre nous, toilet papering a neighbor's house is not in your stars today." Oy.

It's from MSNBC.com:

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) "You don't have to have all the answers to keep moving forward. Your path today is very similar to driving through a fog: all you need to count on is that the road is there, and that your headlights will illuminate the path directly in front of you. So rather than worry about what might be around the next bend, concentrate on working with what you have right now. You'll be onto the next stretch of clear road before you know it."

First-- my, what a handsome woman.

Ok ... "You don't have to have all the answers to keep moving forward." I don't have an answer for this line which is good because I don't have to. Good to know.

"Your path today is very similar to driving through a fog: all you need to count on is that the road is there, and that your headlights will illuminate the path directly in front of you." It's always a good idea to keep your normal headlights on when driving in foggy conditions, not your brights because your brights make the fog foggier, if that makes any sense. Can we talk fog lights for a minute? Do they even live up to their name? In my experience, they're on cars that belong to guys who have their wallets on a chain, which is then attached to the belt loop of their parachute pants. Also, these same guys have a roach clip or two dangling from their review mirrors along with a garters from their under-age prom dates. The roach clip collection would explain the need for the fog lights, as would the garters-- know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge ...

"So rather than worry about what might be around the next bend, concentrate on working with what you have right now."
Around the next bend ... huh. Anyone ever had the bends? I hear they're not only nasty, but deadly. Good tip time: When scuba diving, don't ascend to the water's surface faster than your bubbles. That's the best way to avoid the bends! See, this blog is also educational. And that's just, well, super duper.

"You'll be onto the next stretch of clear road before you know it." It'll be clear because of all of the trick or treaters who insist on walking in the middle of the road will now be either hood ornaments or be stuck in your front grill with the bug carcasses you were too lazy to spray away during your last drunken visit to the car wash two years ago.

Happy Halloween!

Elle magazine's November 2009 horoscope

I am well aware that it's been some time since I've posted a daily horoscope. Call it laziness, call it my overwhelming fear of computers, or call it my fear of H1N1--call it whatever you want. But, the key thing is I'm back. We'll see how it all goes because the horoscopes I've been reading lately have been as dull as dinosaur shit.

Quickly though before we get started: Does anyone else find this show awesome?

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): "November brings lovely change and progress as your ruling planet, Neptune, goes direct on the 4th. Travel opportunities will arise all month, particularly near the full moon on the 2nd and after the new moon on the 16th, which will fall in Scorpio, a sign that blends beautifully with yours. Scorpio is also a financial sign, so you should see monetary gains. This month will bring motivation to boost your health, as Mars and the new moon set up shop in your health sector, marking an ideal time to begin a preventive program. At the office, you'll see positive developments but also an increased workload, so if you've still got holiday errands, you might struggle under a stressful time crunch. Generally, romance should be positive in November once Venus moves into Scorpio. You'll find the atmosphere very conducive to meeting a new partner or for celebrating the love you already have. This month will be a busy one, so cherish romance while you've got it."

I've said it before, Elle magazine has great accessories and doesn't feature overrated writers like Plum Sykes and Joan Juliet Buck. But, they don't have a great horoscope section. At least not for November.
Let's skip ahead a bit because it does get interesting.
" ... which will fall in Scorpio, a sign that blends beautifully with yours. Scorpio is also a financial sign, so you should see monetary gains. ..."
So whenever I see the word Scorpio, I can't help but think of him. Yep. He was dreamy and he introduced us to the wonderful world of Aussie men waaay before he ever showed up or well, him too. Robert Scorpio was hot with that wavy, TV hair, sea-glass blue eyes and lilting accent. Plus, how he added the 'r' sound to the end of every name that ended with a vowel was off-putting and mysterious. Oh, how I longed to hear him say "Juliar, please bring me the Vegemite and a Foster's. Oh and put on the latest Midnight Oil cd."

Sigh. Hey, it can still happen!

Where were we? I forget again. Oh, back to the, yawn, horoscope.

" ... This month will bring motivation to boost your health, as Mars and the new moon set up shop in your health sector, marking an ideal time to begin a preventive program. ..."


Does this new moon have anything to do with the moon we blew up about a month or so ago? So, what they're saying is, if the moon gets blown up, we get a new one immediately? Yes? Now that's the kind of science I can get behind. As for the motivation to boost my health and begin a preventive program, does this mean I have to eat more Mars bars? I hope not because that candy makes my teeth hurt.

" ... Generally, romance should be positive in November once Venus moves into Scorpio. ..."
What I'm gleaning from this part is that Venus Williams is moving in with Scorpio? Huh? No, no, no! I thought she was dating golfer (not gopher) Hank Kuehne. Is she secretly involved with Scorpio? What would Annar say if this were indeed true? Oh dear, this could get messy. Normally, I'd challenge Ms. Williams to a cage match but seeing that she's built like a brick shit house and in awesome shape, I'll keep my yap shut and get back to making furniture out of picket fence material. Yep, making ugly as fuck furniture is my new thing, folks so get used to it.

Summer colds

I woke up this morning feeling slightly under the weather--headache-y, stuffed-up, ooky--the whole ball of horrors. To give you a better idea, I felt like a rodent carcass the cat scarfed down after finding it in under the front porch, then puked it up on your clean laundry.

It didn't make me feel any better when I told a friend about my current physical condition, without missing a beat he said something along the lines of "Ewww, don't come near me. I don't need that shit." Quelle charmante--his remark was about as compassionate as a genital herpes outbreak before a first date--not that I know anything about such a dilemma.

My summer cold and his insensitive remarks didn't stop me from going to yoga this morning. I've often heard that Bikram is good for what ails you.

Day 2.
Early morning yoga is great because there ain't a lot of human activity on the streets. Except homeless folks and power-walkers. I didn't get any unsolicited fat ass remarks either which is good because I'm all out of snappy comebacks.

I swear I saw Tracy Morgan this morning, however. Not in class, but on the street.

As for the actual class, I didn't have it in me this morning. Very tired but I gave it my all and it is true: Bikram is good for what ails you. After class, I felt immediately better and not as foggy. Now, I wouldn't go to yoga if I had the swine flu or bronchitis, but for a wee cold? Sure, why not?

A new challenge.

I've been in a funk as of late. A major funk. For a long time, I wasn't sure I was going to get out of it without either spending a great deal of cash on material things like Balenciaga handbags or--and I hate this term but I can't think of anything better at the moment--doing something huge to "feed my soul" like living in the town of Imlil in the Atlas Mountains for a year or so.

I guess this is a typical phase for a woman my age to go through, however.

While most of my ilk do things like get plastic surgery or dump their husbands for Caleb, their son's college roommate, I work part-time as a copy editor for a trade pub and applaud myself for not needing the Botox needle--at least for another 10 years or so. Chalk it up to the lead blanket I wear as my daily sunscreen and the copious amounts of water I drink daily. Yes, my skin looks good, but that's just not enough.

But, something was missing: a physical challenge. I've been a fan of Bikram yoga for years. I discovered it about 12 years ago in LA and took classes from time to time. When I moved to the city, I got back into it but it wasn't easy since I was older and not as physically strong as I was back in the days of yore. So, I'm working towards doing 100 classes, but not consecutively since work and Bikram Yoga Andersonville's schedule are not conducive to me doing 100 classes in 100 days. Not at the moment, anyway.

My plan is write about each class and the adventures both pre- and post-class. Most days will probably be dull, but I'm hoping for some excitement from time to time.

Like today, for example.
Day 1. July 18.
These pleasant late-winter days have brought many folks out and about on North Clark street in Andersonville. As a result, the sidewalks are packed with errand runners, outside cafe patrons, and people just strolling down the street. This makes sidewalk navigation difficult. At one point, I had to pass this slow-moving gay couple who took up most of the sidewalk with their little dogs and width-of-the-sidewalk handholding. And, as I passed them, my large yoga bag accidently brushed up against one of the young men's arms. I profusely apologized, saying that my bag was too large for crowds. With that, the Kate Gosselin-coiffed one said somewhat sotto voce, "Well, not only is her bag large, but so is her ass." Fortunately, I have dog hearing and after he uttered those snippy words, I turned on my heel and said, "You know, for a segment of the population that is screaming for more tolerance and respect, you certainly don't practice what you so loudly preach. Asshole." At last glance, he was desperately trying pick up his jaw and dignity off of the ground.

When I arrived at the studio, I was pretty lit up from my confrontation with those two pissy queens, but, I quickly got over it after I secured my spot in the 100 degree room and got into my Savasana or Dead Pose (that's not me in the picture). It's not as easy as one would think because you have to shift your breathing from the in-through-the-nose-and-out-through-the-mouth method to in-through-the-nose-and-out-through-the-nose method. Try it, in the heat, without moving at all. All I can say is good luck!

As we progressed through the 26 poses, I had major issues with only two. This Head to Knee Pose, also known as Dandayamana - JanuShirasana. Notice that both knees are locked-out solid. You're not in that pose if either knee is bent even slightly. The other looks easy, but um, no it's not. Ardha Chandrasana with Pada-Hastasana, or Half Moon Pose, is meant to stretch you from the inside out while maintaining an even breath, tight muscles and straight legs. It's super fun especially when I was about to pass out, and it was only pose number two. Oh, and there was one gent directly in front of me who almost showed me a full-moon pose. Not something I wanted to see on an empty stomach or from someone with whom I am not intimate.

When class was finished, I moseyed on into the locker room and made the mistake of asking one of my fellow classmates the name of the instructor. Here's her response: "Um, I am not into making friends in this class..." To which I replied, "Tell me something, where in that question did I state that I wanted to be your BFF? Please, I'd like to know if I need to work on my subliminal language skills." (See, I was still reeling from the pissy queen encounter--all of that sweating, stretching and mooning did shit for my inner-yogini.) Wide-eyed, she responded, "Oh, I don't know." Smiling, I said, "That's all you needed to say."

With that, I changed out of sweaty t-shirt and limped out of the studio.

The instructor's name is Navette, by the way. And, I didn't have to be anyone's BFF to get that information.