I'm not Captain Obvious today. I'm not going to scour the Internets for spooky horoscopes because I think that those folks who live and breathe by what their daily horoscopes say, are really pissed off when they have to read the Halloween-themed ones. I don't blame them since the themed-ones are a waste of fine cosmic thought. Really now, who wants to read "The moon is in your seventh haunted house....boo! Watch out for looming spectres and witches who are going to steal your soul or worse, your candy stash!" I wonder if that's why some folks off themselves on Halloween: lame daily horoscopes for October 31.
Well, this one is lame, but not as lame as "Avoid black cats and, entre nous, toilet papering a neighbor's house is not in your stars today." Oy.
It's from MSNBC.com:
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) "You don't have to have all the answers to keep moving forward. Your path today is very similar to driving through a fog: all you need to count on is that the road is there, and that your headlights will illuminate the path directly in front of you. So rather than worry about what might be around the next bend, concentrate on working with what you have right now. You'll be onto the next stretch of clear road before you know it."
First-- my, what a handsome woman.
Ok ... "You don't have to have all the answers to keep moving forward." I don't have an answer for this line which is good because I don't have to. Good to know.
"Your path today is very similar to driving through a fog: all you need to count on is that the road is there, and that your headlights will illuminate the path directly in front of you." It's always a good idea to keep your normal headlights on when driving in foggy conditions, not your brights because your brights make the fog foggier, if that makes any sense. Can we talk fog lights for a minute? Do they even live up to their name? In my experience, they're on cars that belong to guys who have their wallets on a chain, which is then attached to the belt loop of their parachute pants. Also, these same guys have a roach clip or two dangling from their review mirrors along with a garters from their under-age prom dates. The roach clip collection would explain the need for the fog lights, as would the garters-- know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge ...
"So rather than worry about what might be around the next bend, concentrate on working with what you have right now."
Around the next bend ... huh. Anyone ever had the bends? I hear they're not only nasty, but deadly. Good tip time: When scuba diving, don't ascend to the water's surface faster than your bubbles. That's the best way to avoid the bends! See, this blog is also educational. And that's just, well, super duper.
"You'll be onto the next stretch of clear road before you know it." It'll be clear because of all of the trick or treaters who insist on walking in the middle of the road will now be either hood ornaments or be stuck in your front grill with the bug carcasses you were too lazy to spray away during your last drunken visit to the car wash two years ago.
Happy Halloween!
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Monday, October 26, 2009
Elle magazine's November 2009 horoscope
I am well aware that it's been some time since I've posted a daily horoscope. Call it laziness, call it my overwhelming fear of computers, or call it my fear of H1N1--call it whatever you want. But, the key thing is I'm back. We'll see how it all goes because the horoscopes I've been reading lately have been as dull as dinosaur shit.
Quickly though before we get started: Does anyone else find this show awesome?
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): "November brings lovely change and progress as your ruling planet, Neptune, goes direct on the 4th. Travel opportunities will arise all month, particularly near the full moon on the 2nd and after the new moon on the 16th, which will fall in Scorpio, a sign that blends beautifully with yours. Scorpio is also a financial sign, so you should see monetary gains. This month will bring motivation to boost your health, as Mars and the new moon set up shop in your health sector, marking an ideal time to begin a preventive program. At the office, you'll see positive developments but also an increased workload, so if you've still got holiday errands, you might struggle under a stressful time crunch. Generally, romance should be positive in November once Venus moves into Scorpio. You'll find the atmosphere very conducive to meeting a new partner or for celebrating the love you already have. This month will be a busy one, so cherish romance while you've got it."
I've said it before, Elle magazine has great accessories and doesn't feature overrated writers like Plum Sykes and Joan Juliet Buck. But, they don't have a great horoscope section. At least not for November.
Let's skip ahead a bit because it does get interesting.
" ... which will fall in Scorpio, a sign that blends beautifully with yours. Scorpio is also a financial sign, so you should see monetary gains. ..."
So whenever I see the word Scorpio, I can't help but think of him. Yep. He was dreamy and he introduced us to the wonderful world of Aussie men waaay before he ever showed up or well, him too. Robert Scorpio was hot with that wavy, TV hair, sea-glass blue eyes and lilting accent. Plus, how he added the 'r' sound to the end of every name that ended with a vowel was off-putting and mysterious. Oh, how I longed to hear him say "Juliar, please bring me the Vegemite and a Foster's. Oh and put on the latest Midnight Oil cd."
Sigh. Hey, it can still happen!
Where were we? I forget again. Oh, back to the, yawn, horoscope.
" ... This month will bring motivation to boost your health, as Mars and the new moon set up shop in your health sector, marking an ideal time to begin a preventive program. ..."
Does this new moon have anything to do with the moon we blew up about a month or so ago? So, what they're saying is, if the moon gets blown up, we get a new one immediately? Yes? Now that's the kind of science I can get behind. As for the motivation to boost my health and begin a preventive program, does this mean I have to eat more Mars bars? I hope not because that candy makes my teeth hurt.
" ... Generally, romance should be positive in November once Venus moves into Scorpio. ..."
What I'm gleaning from this part is that Venus Williams is moving in with Scorpio? Huh? No, no, no! I thought she was dating golfer (not gopher) Hank Kuehne. Is she secretly involved with Scorpio? What would Annar say if this were indeed true? Oh dear, this could get messy. Normally, I'd challenge Ms. Williams to a cage match but seeing that she's built like a brick shit house and in awesome shape, I'll keep my yap shut and get back to making furniture out of picket fence material. Yep, making ugly as fuck furniture is my new thing, folks so get used to it.
Quickly though before we get started: Does anyone else find this show awesome?
Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): "November brings lovely change and progress as your ruling planet, Neptune, goes direct on the 4th. Travel opportunities will arise all month, particularly near the full moon on the 2nd and after the new moon on the 16th, which will fall in Scorpio, a sign that blends beautifully with yours. Scorpio is also a financial sign, so you should see monetary gains. This month will bring motivation to boost your health, as Mars and the new moon set up shop in your health sector, marking an ideal time to begin a preventive program. At the office, you'll see positive developments but also an increased workload, so if you've still got holiday errands, you might struggle under a stressful time crunch. Generally, romance should be positive in November once Venus moves into Scorpio. You'll find the atmosphere very conducive to meeting a new partner or for celebrating the love you already have. This month will be a busy one, so cherish romance while you've got it."
I've said it before, Elle magazine has great accessories and doesn't feature overrated writers like Plum Sykes and Joan Juliet Buck. But, they don't have a great horoscope section. At least not for November.
Let's skip ahead a bit because it does get interesting.
" ... which will fall in Scorpio, a sign that blends beautifully with yours. Scorpio is also a financial sign, so you should see monetary gains. ..."
So whenever I see the word Scorpio, I can't help but think of him. Yep. He was dreamy and he introduced us to the wonderful world of Aussie men waaay before he ever showed up or well, him too. Robert Scorpio was hot with that wavy, TV hair, sea-glass blue eyes and lilting accent. Plus, how he added the 'r' sound to the end of every name that ended with a vowel was off-putting and mysterious. Oh, how I longed to hear him say "Juliar, please bring me the Vegemite and a Foster's. Oh and put on the latest Midnight Oil cd."
Sigh. Hey, it can still happen!
Where were we? I forget again. Oh, back to the, yawn, horoscope.
" ... This month will bring motivation to boost your health, as Mars and the new moon set up shop in your health sector, marking an ideal time to begin a preventive program. ..."
Does this new moon have anything to do with the moon we blew up about a month or so ago? So, what they're saying is, if the moon gets blown up, we get a new one immediately? Yes? Now that's the kind of science I can get behind. As for the motivation to boost my health and begin a preventive program, does this mean I have to eat more Mars bars? I hope not because that candy makes my teeth hurt.
" ... Generally, romance should be positive in November once Venus moves into Scorpio. ..."
What I'm gleaning from this part is that Venus Williams is moving in with Scorpio? Huh? No, no, no! I thought she was dating golfer (not gopher) Hank Kuehne. Is she secretly involved with Scorpio? What would Annar say if this were indeed true? Oh dear, this could get messy. Normally, I'd challenge Ms. Williams to a cage match but seeing that she's built like a brick shit house and in awesome shape, I'll keep my yap shut and get back to making furniture out of picket fence material. Yep, making ugly as fuck furniture is my new thing, folks so get used to it.
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