Oct. 30th Horoscope

Sorry this is so late today, but I stood in line for 2.5 hours to vote. It was worth it completely.

I took another gander at the Village Voice to see if Rob Brezsny has learned that it's necessary to stop the Q-tip when he feels pressure.

"PISCES [February 19–March 20] If you knew how perfect a time it is for you to dance the forbidden dance, you would begin immediately. You would break out the sexy, world-in-upheaval grooves you slip into during your ecstatic dreams. You would unleash the words that have never been spoken and crack the codes that have never been broken. Please, dear Pisces, have faith in your ability to thrive in the wild frontier where every fantasy is ripe to be mutated. Halloween costume suggestion: the dancer who dances the forbidden dance."

Apparently, Mr. Brezsny missed the day in health class when the lesson 'never-put-anything-in-your-ear-smaller-than-your-elbow" was taught.

"If you knew how perfect a time it is for you to dance the forbidden dance, you would begin immediately."

In order for me to 'dance the forbidden dance' I would have to start ingesting the meth I make in my kitchen which would so go against the mantra I cherish from my 80s style icon, Elvira from Scarface: Don't get high on your own supply. So, injecting meth and drooling over the meth mouth wish book in my dentist's office are activities I won't be participating in anytime soon. Sigh.

"You would break out the sexy, world-in-upheaval grooves you slip into during your ecstatic dreams."

Those who know me are quite aware that I'm about as sexy as a bucket of paste, but the 'world-in-upheaval grooves' just doesn't make any sense to me and it probably involves rubbing patchouli on certain body parts for enlightenment purposes. Rubbing something on my skin that smells like burning dirt mixed with hair is just not an option.

"You would unleash the words that have never been spoken and crack the codes that have never been broken."

Hmmm, 'words that have never been spoken.' Hmmm. "Julia, we'd like to offer you a job with lifetime benefits for your extended family, a new Mercedes Benz every year for life, $250k salary to start with a 10 percent raise every quarter even if the company goes belly-up and no chance of ever being fired and a lifetime membership to a high-falutin' spa.

"...crack the codes that have never been broken." I'm not into cracking codes because it would take time away from keeping the couch down and would require thinking about things I really don't give a crap about. But, I would like to see someone crack the code on how Reese's Peanut Butter cups are made. And Oreos. And Starbursts.

"Please, dear Pisces, have faith in your ability to thrive in the wild frontier where every fantasy is ripe to be mutated."
When I see the words 'wild frontier,' I have this image of someone going off to find himself, living in an abandoned bus in the wilds of Alaska and living off the land then dying from starvation. Wait, that's been done before?

"Halloween costume suggestion: the dancer who dances the forbidden dance." Oy vey.

Homework: What is your greatest fear? Make fun of it this Halloween. Tell me about it at FreeWillAstrology.com.

My greatest fear is that Mr. Brezsny is going to scarf down a piece of unpretentious, boring pie and start writing dull horoscopes that I won't be able to mock endlessly.