Halloween non-horror-scope.

I'm not Captain Obvious today. I'm not going to scour the Internets for spooky horoscopes because I think that those folks who live and breathe by what their daily horoscopes say, are really pissed off when they have to read the Halloween-themed ones. I don't blame them since the themed-ones are a waste of fine cosmic thought. Really now, who wants to read "The moon is in your seventh haunted house....boo! Watch out for looming spectres and witches who are going to steal your soul or worse, your candy stash!" I wonder if that's why some folks off themselves on Halloween: lame daily horoscopes for October 31.

Well, this one is lame, but not as lame as "Avoid black cats and, entre nous, toilet papering a neighbor's house is not in your stars today." Oy.

It's from MSNBC.com:

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) "You don't have to have all the answers to keep moving forward. Your path today is very similar to driving through a fog: all you need to count on is that the road is there, and that your headlights will illuminate the path directly in front of you. So rather than worry about what might be around the next bend, concentrate on working with what you have right now. You'll be onto the next stretch of clear road before you know it."

First-- my, what a handsome woman.

Ok ... "You don't have to have all the answers to keep moving forward." I don't have an answer for this line which is good because I don't have to. Good to know.

"Your path today is very similar to driving through a fog: all you need to count on is that the road is there, and that your headlights will illuminate the path directly in front of you." It's always a good idea to keep your normal headlights on when driving in foggy conditions, not your brights because your brights make the fog foggier, if that makes any sense. Can we talk fog lights for a minute? Do they even live up to their name? In my experience, they're on cars that belong to guys who have their wallets on a chain, which is then attached to the belt loop of their parachute pants. Also, these same guys have a roach clip or two dangling from their review mirrors along with a garters from their under-age prom dates. The roach clip collection would explain the need for the fog lights, as would the garters-- know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge ...

"So rather than worry about what might be around the next bend, concentrate on working with what you have right now."
Around the next bend ... huh. Anyone ever had the bends? I hear they're not only nasty, but deadly. Good tip time: When scuba diving, don't ascend to the water's surface faster than your bubbles. That's the best way to avoid the bends! See, this blog is also educational. And that's just, well, super duper.

"You'll be onto the next stretch of clear road before you know it." It'll be clear because of all of the trick or treaters who insist on walking in the middle of the road will now be either hood ornaments or be stuck in your front grill with the bug carcasses you were too lazy to spray away during your last drunken visit to the car wash two years ago.

Happy Halloween!