Appropo

Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about love & the Zodiac. Personally, I don't buy into that crap, but it did make me think--for about five minutes--then I stopped. Now, I'm thinking about it again mainly because, to me, it's such light subject so I view it as a type of mental masturbation without the happy ending. 

*Ahem*

After perusing the usual horoscopes today, I couldn't find anything that interested me at all, so I decided to delve into this whole love & astrology thing a little further. 

During my search, I came across this gem:

"Those born under the same zodiac sign often have similar physical characteristics as well. It’s not surprising then that many of the Pisces physical appearance traits can be seen in those who share the creative and emotional personality of this zodiac sign.

The Pisces symbol is the dual fish sign, which sometimes also resembles their physical traits. For example, many associate their liking for snug or tight fitting clothes to be that like a fish has scales. This is a sign of extremes, so it is also likely for many born of this sign to be one extreme of another, though some are lucky and able to achieve the perfect balance.

Body Shape and Build

Their body shape and build can vary, though they are usually not very tall and tend to be a bit stocky or sturdy. Their bodies are usually plump or well rounded, and unfortunately this is a sign that is obesity prone, due to their tendency to be very emotional as well as to go to extremes – overeating and eating for emotional reasons is common. They are also prone to addictions, and food addiction is a common one, especially if they are against alcohol or drug use. On the other side of the spectrum however you may find very thin and athletic Pisces, who may have taken the extreme route on diet, fitness, and nutrition.

Facial Features

Their facial features are usually very attractive and somewhat charming. Looking into their eyes you will often see a dreamlike look and they can sometimes be mesmerizing. Their faces are usually rounded or angular in shape and they tend to have a wide mouth. Their skin complexion is usually fair, and generally unblemished.

Clothing

Pisces like to wear snugly fitting clothing, as it makes them feel more secure and comfortable. They often find and create their own style. Being very expressive and creative, their clothing style typically will express their personality and individuality.

Behavior and Mannerisms

The Pisces may sometimes seem clumsy, but they can actually be quite graceful, as they are very go with the flow type of people and so their mannerisms are usually smooth. Pisces have a gentle touch that makes it easy for them to get along with many people and they are usually not intimidated.

Pisces Feet

Pisces are ruled by the feet, and so often the general care they take for their feet will have a greater impact on their overall health and happiness. Their feet can either be petite or delicate or sometimes they may be quite large. It is in the Pisces best interest to care for their feet, and so well manicured toes or even decorative footwear can boost their mood.

These are just a few of the many common Pisces physical characteristics and appearance traits they exhibit. You may also want to read the Pisces Beauty Profile for more insight on their appearance.

What physical characteristics of Pisces have you noticed? Share them in the comments section below."

 I don't know where to start--there's just so much good material here. Let's just dive right in--I hope there's enough water in the pool. 

Snug-fitting clothes & body shape. Anyone who knows me is well aware that I prefer wearing capes and droopy sweaters to wearing garments that enhance every vein in my body. My good friend, David Barber, used to say I once upon a time dressed like Patricia Arquette's character in this film. Not this way--although I do own a few shower caps, but more like a way that involved flowery skirts, long sweaters and hats. Fortunately, I can't find any pictures of said look which is probably a good thing. See, I don't have many friends and I want to keep the ones I have. So, NOT showing that particular fashion era is a wise choice. I did own a bra very similar to Miss Arquette's in that shot, fyi.

As for the crack about how Pisces are built--that could be said about every astrological sign. Especially in the U.S. As for addictions--mainly food, drugs & the drink--does bulimia count? I was bulimic for years so that's an addiction of sorts--an addiction to self-loathing, binging and then, refunding. Thank dog I've moved on to abusing haircare products and Internet porn. 

But, I digress...

Supposedly, I have a 'somewhat charming' and (not so fast) 'unblemished face,' but you must not look into my 'dreamlike' eyes for too long because you might become 'mesmerized' which in turn, will make you want to give me all your money. Plus, Pervy McPerversons, if you do that, I may have to poke you with a Spork in the nether regions--especially if you start drooling uncontrollably and start mumbling about putting lotion in a basket. 

Clumsy/graceful. Again--you're either a klutz or delicate on your feet. Dumb. I'm both so I'm covered. 

What is this obsession with feet? For the record, I have nice feet. Nice arch, good toes, no skin grafts or hairy ankles. I do, however, have one of those pinky-toe nails that should be declared a disaster area. It's ugly... kinda like this guy, and well, this guy too. One more. I'm done--had to get that out of my system. As for dressing up my pretty dogs in fancy footwear--sure. I'd love to but in order to buy the good stuff, I gotta have one of those pesky things called a "job." You've heard of this thing--or seen pictures, or read about them in school. They were big when this country actually had a purpose instead of kowtowing to the captains of industry. Having one of those "job" things will definitely boost my mood more than well-manicured piggies will. 

Until that miracle happens, I'll be here making up crap.

Halloween non-horror-scope.

I'm not Captain Obvious today. I'm not going to scour the Internets for spooky horoscopes because I think that those folks who live and breathe by what their daily horoscopes say, are really pissed off when they have to read the Halloween-themed ones. I don't blame them since the themed-ones are a waste of fine cosmic thought. Really now, who wants to read "The moon is in your seventh haunted house....boo! Watch out for looming spectres and witches who are going to steal your soul or worse, your candy stash!" I wonder if that's why some folks off themselves on Halloween: lame daily horoscopes for October 31.

Well, this one is lame, but not as lame as "Avoid black cats and, entre nous, toilet papering a neighbor's house is not in your stars today." Oy.

It's from MSNBC.com:

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) "You don't have to have all the answers to keep moving forward. Your path today is very similar to driving through a fog: all you need to count on is that the road is there, and that your headlights will illuminate the path directly in front of you. So rather than worry about what might be around the next bend, concentrate on working with what you have right now. You'll be onto the next stretch of clear road before you know it."

First-- my, what a handsome woman.

Ok ... "You don't have to have all the answers to keep moving forward." I don't have an answer for this line which is good because I don't have to. Good to know.

"Your path today is very similar to driving through a fog: all you need to count on is that the road is there, and that your headlights will illuminate the path directly in front of you." It's always a good idea to keep your normal headlights on when driving in foggy conditions, not your brights because your brights make the fog foggier, if that makes any sense. Can we talk fog lights for a minute? Do they even live up to their name? In my experience, they're on cars that belong to guys who have their wallets on a chain, which is then attached to the belt loop of their parachute pants. Also, these same guys have a roach clip or two dangling from their review mirrors along with a garters from their under-age prom dates. The roach clip collection would explain the need for the fog lights, as would the garters-- know what I mean? Know what I mean? Nudge, nudge ...

"So rather than worry about what might be around the next bend, concentrate on working with what you have right now."
Around the next bend ... huh. Anyone ever had the bends? I hear they're not only nasty, but deadly. Good tip time: When scuba diving, don't ascend to the water's surface faster than your bubbles. That's the best way to avoid the bends! See, this blog is also educational. And that's just, well, super duper.

"You'll be onto the next stretch of clear road before you know it." It'll be clear because of all of the trick or treaters who insist on walking in the middle of the road will now be either hood ornaments or be stuck in your front grill with the bug carcasses you were too lazy to spray away during your last drunken visit to the car wash two years ago.

Happy Halloween!

Elle magazine's November 2009 horoscope

I am well aware that it's been some time since I've posted a daily horoscope. Call it laziness, call it my overwhelming fear of computers, or call it my fear of H1N1--call it whatever you want. But, the key thing is I'm back. We'll see how it all goes because the horoscopes I've been reading lately have been as dull as dinosaur shit.

Quickly though before we get started: Does anyone else find this show awesome?

Pisces (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20): "November brings lovely change and progress as your ruling planet, Neptune, goes direct on the 4th. Travel opportunities will arise all month, particularly near the full moon on the 2nd and after the new moon on the 16th, which will fall in Scorpio, a sign that blends beautifully with yours. Scorpio is also a financial sign, so you should see monetary gains. This month will bring motivation to boost your health, as Mars and the new moon set up shop in your health sector, marking an ideal time to begin a preventive program. At the office, you'll see positive developments but also an increased workload, so if you've still got holiday errands, you might struggle under a stressful time crunch. Generally, romance should be positive in November once Venus moves into Scorpio. You'll find the atmosphere very conducive to meeting a new partner or for celebrating the love you already have. This month will be a busy one, so cherish romance while you've got it."

I've said it before, Elle magazine has great accessories and doesn't feature overrated writers like Plum Sykes and Joan Juliet Buck. But, they don't have a great horoscope section. At least not for November.
Let's skip ahead a bit because it does get interesting.
" ... which will fall in Scorpio, a sign that blends beautifully with yours. Scorpio is also a financial sign, so you should see monetary gains. ..."
So whenever I see the word Scorpio, I can't help but think of him. Yep. He was dreamy and he introduced us to the wonderful world of Aussie men waaay before he ever showed up or well, him too. Robert Scorpio was hot with that wavy, TV hair, sea-glass blue eyes and lilting accent. Plus, how he added the 'r' sound to the end of every name that ended with a vowel was off-putting and mysterious. Oh, how I longed to hear him say "Juliar, please bring me the Vegemite and a Foster's. Oh and put on the latest Midnight Oil cd."

Sigh. Hey, it can still happen!

Where were we? I forget again. Oh, back to the, yawn, horoscope.

" ... This month will bring motivation to boost your health, as Mars and the new moon set up shop in your health sector, marking an ideal time to begin a preventive program. ..."


Does this new moon have anything to do with the moon we blew up about a month or so ago? So, what they're saying is, if the moon gets blown up, we get a new one immediately? Yes? Now that's the kind of science I can get behind. As for the motivation to boost my health and begin a preventive program, does this mean I have to eat more Mars bars? I hope not because that candy makes my teeth hurt.

" ... Generally, romance should be positive in November once Venus moves into Scorpio. ..."
What I'm gleaning from this part is that Venus Williams is moving in with Scorpio? Huh? No, no, no! I thought she was dating golfer (not gopher) Hank Kuehne. Is she secretly involved with Scorpio? What would Annar say if this were indeed true? Oh dear, this could get messy. Normally, I'd challenge Ms. Williams to a cage match but seeing that she's built like a brick shit house and in awesome shape, I'll keep my yap shut and get back to making furniture out of picket fence material. Yep, making ugly as fuck furniture is my new thing, folks so get used to it.

Summer colds

I woke up this morning feeling slightly under the weather--headache-y, stuffed-up, ooky--the whole ball of horrors. To give you a better idea, I felt like a rodent carcass the cat scarfed down after finding it in under the front porch, then puked it up on your clean laundry.

It didn't make me feel any better when I told a friend about my current physical condition, without missing a beat he said something along the lines of "Ewww, don't come near me. I don't need that shit." Quelle charmante--his remark was about as compassionate as a genital herpes outbreak before a first date--not that I know anything about such a dilemma.

My summer cold and his insensitive remarks didn't stop me from going to yoga this morning. I've often heard that Bikram is good for what ails you.

Day 2.
Early morning yoga is great because there ain't a lot of human activity on the streets. Except homeless folks and power-walkers. I didn't get any unsolicited fat ass remarks either which is good because I'm all out of snappy comebacks.

I swear I saw Tracy Morgan this morning, however. Not in class, but on the street.

As for the actual class, I didn't have it in me this morning. Very tired but I gave it my all and it is true: Bikram is good for what ails you. After class, I felt immediately better and not as foggy. Now, I wouldn't go to yoga if I had the swine flu or bronchitis, but for a wee cold? Sure, why not?

A new challenge.

I've been in a funk as of late. A major funk. For a long time, I wasn't sure I was going to get out of it without either spending a great deal of cash on material things like Balenciaga handbags or--and I hate this term but I can't think of anything better at the moment--doing something huge to "feed my soul" like living in the town of Imlil in the Atlas Mountains for a year or so.

I guess this is a typical phase for a woman my age to go through, however.

While most of my ilk do things like get plastic surgery or dump their husbands for Caleb, their son's college roommate, I work part-time as a copy editor for a trade pub and applaud myself for not needing the Botox needle--at least for another 10 years or so. Chalk it up to the lead blanket I wear as my daily sunscreen and the copious amounts of water I drink daily. Yes, my skin looks good, but that's just not enough.

But, something was missing: a physical challenge. I've been a fan of Bikram yoga for years. I discovered it about 12 years ago in LA and took classes from time to time. When I moved to the city, I got back into it but it wasn't easy since I was older and not as physically strong as I was back in the days of yore. So, I'm working towards doing 100 classes, but not consecutively since work and Bikram Yoga Andersonville's schedule are not conducive to me doing 100 classes in 100 days. Not at the moment, anyway.

My plan is write about each class and the adventures both pre- and post-class. Most days will probably be dull, but I'm hoping for some excitement from time to time.

Like today, for example.
Day 1. July 18.
These pleasant late-winter days have brought many folks out and about on North Clark street in Andersonville. As a result, the sidewalks are packed with errand runners, outside cafe patrons, and people just strolling down the street. This makes sidewalk navigation difficult. At one point, I had to pass this slow-moving gay couple who took up most of the sidewalk with their little dogs and width-of-the-sidewalk handholding. And, as I passed them, my large yoga bag accidently brushed up against one of the young men's arms. I profusely apologized, saying that my bag was too large for crowds. With that, the Kate Gosselin-coiffed one said somewhat sotto voce, "Well, not only is her bag large, but so is her ass." Fortunately, I have dog hearing and after he uttered those snippy words, I turned on my heel and said, "You know, for a segment of the population that is screaming for more tolerance and respect, you certainly don't practice what you so loudly preach. Asshole." At last glance, he was desperately trying pick up his jaw and dignity off of the ground.

When I arrived at the studio, I was pretty lit up from my confrontation with those two pissy queens, but, I quickly got over it after I secured my spot in the 100 degree room and got into my Savasana or Dead Pose (that's not me in the picture). It's not as easy as one would think because you have to shift your breathing from the in-through-the-nose-and-out-through-the-mouth method to in-through-the-nose-and-out-through-the-nose method. Try it, in the heat, without moving at all. All I can say is good luck!

As we progressed through the 26 poses, I had major issues with only two. This Head to Knee Pose, also known as Dandayamana - JanuShirasana. Notice that both knees are locked-out solid. You're not in that pose if either knee is bent even slightly. The other looks easy, but um, no it's not. Ardha Chandrasana with Pada-Hastasana, or Half Moon Pose, is meant to stretch you from the inside out while maintaining an even breath, tight muscles and straight legs. It's super fun especially when I was about to pass out, and it was only pose number two. Oh, and there was one gent directly in front of me who almost showed me a full-moon pose. Not something I wanted to see on an empty stomach or from someone with whom I am not intimate.

When class was finished, I moseyed on into the locker room and made the mistake of asking one of my fellow classmates the name of the instructor. Here's her response: "Um, I am not into making friends in this class..." To which I replied, "Tell me something, where in that question did I state that I wanted to be your BFF? Please, I'd like to know if I need to work on my subliminal language skills." (See, I was still reeling from the pissy queen encounter--all of that sweating, stretching and mooning did shit for my inner-yogini.) Wide-eyed, she responded, "Oh, I don't know." Smiling, I said, "That's all you needed to say."

With that, I changed out of sweaty t-shirt and limped out of the studio.

The instructor's name is Navette, by the way. And, I didn't have to be anyone's BFF to get that information.

December 17 Horoscope

So, Oprah is fat again.

Aaaannd this is news why?

There's just way too much emphasis on a woman's appearance in this society. It's like a woman isn't worthy if she's over a size 4. It's fucking bullshit and what's worse is that most folks buy into this archaic belief. What's even worse is I personally know a lot of folks who buy into it and it's very disappointing. But, what can I do about it?

Enough about Oprah since O Magazine doesn't have a horoscope section. Why should it when the target audience are women who live in places like Hinsdale and, therefore, have tons of cash to buy themselves their very own astrological sign?

Let's check out Elle magazine's January 2009 horoscope and Numerology by Suzanne Gerber and Bridgett Walther, respectively.

Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20) "With Jupiter hot-wiring your intuition vehicle just as Venus enters your sign in the first week of January, your sixth sense is in overdrive, and it would be pedestrian to ignore it. Trust those vibes and hunches. When Venus mashes up with Uranus on the 23rd, Just don't share all this with your honey; with Saturn off course, there might be a misunderstanding."

Is an intuition vehicle a new automobile coming out of Detroit in the new year? I certainly hope so because it sounds pretty cool! How fun would it be to drive a car that doubles as a psychic? Think about it. You get in, put the key in the ignition and get a reading on the day or month or whatever time frame you program it to. Think about it. If your car tells you you're in for a sucky day, you can return to your couch and watch King of Queens reruns. Personally, I think an intuition vehicle could save the car business.

"...think spontaneous self-makeover." If I 'think' spontaneous self-makeover, does that mean the makeover will happen without me having to move a muscle? Now, that's what I'm talkin' about! I get to 'think' about a makeover without having to go through the humiliation of having my being scrutinized, criticized and buried under wads of clothing and making that make me look like a poster child for the out of work, poor muckrakers of the world.

Elle Numerology for January. My personal number is 5.
This month, you're a thrill-seeker in search of a high, but not exactly of the Amy Winehouse or Pete Doherty variety. As strange as it sounds, you'll get your biggest rush from trying an extreme sport. (Do you know anyone with a motorcycle?) When it comes to love, you're still dealing with the pain of a past relationship and not ready to settle down just yet. In the meantime, you'll be the one breaking hearts.

Since I've done other thrill-seeking activities that don't involve drugs and alcohol, imbibing in the spirit of Amy and Pete sounds like a pretty fun time. Rehab isn't something I've tried yet, and you know what? It sounds like a hoot. Could you see me hanging out with Jeff Conaway, Joanie Chyna Laurer and my latest batshit crazy crush, Gary Busey? I mean, Chyna and I could compare guns. I could watch Jeff drool and Gary twitch. Hmm...something to ponder whilst I eat a pound of fudge over the next few hours.

"As strange as it sounds, you'll get your biggest rush from trying an extreme sport." Ok, an extreme sport to me is paying my student loans and other bills with no income. It takes great skill, patience and conniving ways to be able to accomplish this. I don't recommend anyone try this at home without being checked out by a doctor first. If you experience dizziness, shortness of breath or start to feel light-headed, stop immediately and consider a life of crime. I've experienced those physical feelings but I attribute them to caffeine, chocolate and cheap liquor withdrawal.

That's it for today. I'm off to spread joy !

December 16 Horoscope/Horrorscope

I know it's been about a month since I've posted but I have a good excuse. Really I do.

I had to have my couch surgically removed from my ass--kind of along the lines of this woman. My surgery was a bit more involved since it's tougher to remove microfibers from ass-skin. I'm recovering nicely and should be able to sit down soon.

Today, I was alerted to this site from a friend and it's right up my alley. So many daily horoscopes are filled with holiday-speak, which to me, is a big bowl o' boredom. Yawn...reindeer play in your 7th house...zzzzz...mistletoe is moving into retrograde....zzzzzzz...Jupiter is spinning your dreidel. You get the idea.

Here's my answer to all of the horoscopes filled with holiday crap.

It's from nobeliefs.com.
Pisces: the Fish

February 19-- March 20

---

1) You are a humble person.

2) You are a very strong person

3) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI.

4) Your ignorance is encyclopedic.

5) Pisces people smell like dead fish.

6) Pisces politicians are so dumb that they have been known to fly to Manila just to thank them for their envelopes.

7) People consider you a parasite for sore eyes.

8) Your brain is so small that it's amazing that you're able to place one foot in front of the other.

9) You are a humble person, because you really aren't great.

10) When the horoscope said that you were strong, it meant your body odor.

11) When you die, it will be in your own arms.

12) When people look into your eyes, they get the feeling someone else is driving.

13) You're hokey pokey and that what it's all about.

---

Best career moves: aquarium cleaner, barnacle scraper, sewage maintenance

I don't know where to start! This is just chock-full of great material. It's obvious that numbers 1, 2 and 3 are strong Jules characteristics--I mean, duh! The others are just awe-inspiring and the road to discovering these traits will be one filled with dead whores, pot holes, bright pink peonies and the occasional French dip sammich with au jus sauce. Not to worry: The whores will already be dead by the time I reach them. Those wild days are behind me, my friends. Bright pink peonies, well, they're my favorite flower. Pot holes, well, they're everywhere and unavoidable. My car was lost in one last year. I've never had a French dip sammich with au jus sauce. It just sounds kinda tasty right now.

What really interests me are the suggested best career moves. They all sound so fulfilling and revolve around water. Dirty water. I'm bound to get cholera no matter which career I set my sights on.

Finally, something to live for!