December 16 Horoscope/Horrorscope

I know it's been about a month since I've posted but I have a good excuse. Really I do.

I had to have my couch surgically removed from my ass--kind of along the lines of this woman. My surgery was a bit more involved since it's tougher to remove microfibers from ass-skin. I'm recovering nicely and should be able to sit down soon.

Today, I was alerted to this site from a friend and it's right up my alley. So many daily horoscopes are filled with holiday-speak, which to me, is a big bowl o' boredom. Yawn...reindeer play in your 7th house...zzzzz...mistletoe is moving into retrograde....zzzzzzz...Jupiter is spinning your dreidel. You get the idea.

Here's my answer to all of the horoscopes filled with holiday crap.

It's from nobeliefs.com.
Pisces: the Fish

February 19-- March 20

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1) You are a humble person.

2) You are a very strong person

3) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI.

4) Your ignorance is encyclopedic.

5) Pisces people smell like dead fish.

6) Pisces politicians are so dumb that they have been known to fly to Manila just to thank them for their envelopes.

7) People consider you a parasite for sore eyes.

8) Your brain is so small that it's amazing that you're able to place one foot in front of the other.

9) You are a humble person, because you really aren't great.

10) When the horoscope said that you were strong, it meant your body odor.

11) When you die, it will be in your own arms.

12) When people look into your eyes, they get the feeling someone else is driving.

13) You're hokey pokey and that what it's all about.

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Best career moves: aquarium cleaner, barnacle scraper, sewage maintenance

I don't know where to start! This is just chock-full of great material. It's obvious that numbers 1, 2 and 3 are strong Jules characteristics--I mean, duh! The others are just awe-inspiring and the road to discovering these traits will be one filled with dead whores, pot holes, bright pink peonies and the occasional French dip sammich with au jus sauce. Not to worry: The whores will already be dead by the time I reach them. Those wild days are behind me, my friends. Bright pink peonies, well, they're my favorite flower. Pot holes, well, they're everywhere and unavoidable. My car was lost in one last year. I've never had a French dip sammich with au jus sauce. It just sounds kinda tasty right now.

What really interests me are the suggested best career moves. They all sound so fulfilling and revolve around water. Dirty water. I'm bound to get cholera no matter which career I set my sights on.

Finally, something to live for!