The Unemployable One

Two years ago this week, I started journalism graduate school in Chicago. I remember the first day like it was yesterday and it strangely mirrored my first day of high school. I had new threads, notebooks and awesome pens--thanks to my sister Liza and our shared obsession for fine writing utensils.

I had so much hope for this program, for this degree. I had wallowed in confusion and mild depression since leaving Hollywood filmdom and finally decided on journalism when a Pulitzer Prize winning journalist from the Chicago Tribune told me I could make a good journalist. I believed him but it took a few starts, stops and lots of research before I settled on a program. Actually, this was the only program that accepted me. The "right" Columbia said "Thanks but no thanks."

Those rat bastards didn't know what they were missing.

Instead, the "wrong" Columbia took me in like the runt of the litter nobody wanted after lots of arm-twisting, whining and doctored transcripts (kidding of course). Much coinage was exchanged and I joined some 20 other wide-eyed would-be journalists--most under the age of 25--searching for stories in Chicago.

I felt both old and oddly at home. I was older than a couple of my profs which brought my deeply-seeded insecurities to the surface like a big-ass, hairy zit. You know, like the kind of zit you get after a facial. One strategically placed squeeze would send all the pus and dirt onto the mirror like canned RediWhip onto an ice-cream sundae. Yum! One mention of my age, even in a joking manner, sent me into a tizzy. When this happened, 'why the fuck am I doing this?' emails were sent out to my friends in LA which were then answered with reassuring phone calls. After all, I was seen as some sort of champion to my long-time friends. I was living proof that there is life after the movie biz. For the longest time, I did not see myself the way they did and to this day, I still don't see it sometimes.

For the next year and a half, I worked my ass off. I worked overtime on my insomnia--a problem I still deal with to this very day with serious pharmaceuticals. I interviewed such folks as Sen. Olympia Snowe (R-ME), Tony Peraica (who offered me a job on his campaign) and Judge Mike Salvagni--to name a few. I wrote about Liberian refugees in Chicago, endless immigration issues, foster care and Montana's meth problems and innovative solutions.

I stood in the freezing cold on a brilliantly sunny day in Springfield and watched Sen. Barack Obama announce his candidacy for President of the United States. Months later, I stood in the bowels of Soldier Field on a brutally hot August night and spoke broken-Swahili to candidate Obama while a few of my fellow-ass kissing and extremely obnoxious NBC interns looked on in envy and wonder. I overheard one say, "How does SHE know THAT language? Like, for reals!"

I loved every minute of it.

Fast-forward to today. I've been searching for a job since mid-November 2007 and have had a few interesting interviews but no offers. The constant rejection has left me deeply depressed and frustrated. It's gotten to the point that whenever I read an article or column written by someone whom I believe to be sub-mental, I send an email tirade to fellow journalists and friends--both old and new--ranting about the bullshit job market. I know they're fed up these emails, but shit howdy, I am fucking sick of sending them out. It would be nice to send out a "HOLY FUCK! I GOT A JOB! A REAL JOB! NOT A PRETEND JOB! A REAL ONE!"

In the interim, I keep my couch down, watch endless hours of election year drivel and miscellaneous shows and think of topics to write about for a local website that I greatly admire. I've also written for TheStreet.com and am currently working on story ideas for a few trade magazines and associations.

I also think of innovative ways to get my money back for this degree that has made more unemployable than before. I've started to work out daily--I'm up to about an hour/day. Most of my sweat is result of beating the crap out of a heavy bag at my gym. I've been approached by a boxing coach who said I coulda been a contendaah if I were younger. Now, boxing is an area where ageism doesn't bother me all that much. I really don't feel like living out my remaining days in a rehab facility, begging my guilt-ridden trainer to put me out of my misery...


So, as a result of this current unpleasantness, I've decided to revive this blog. My goal is to post something daily. Some posts will be dull, some hopefully insightful but all will be wacky in some manner--that much I can promise. I hope y'all enjoy it and feel free to let me know either way. I'll probably ignore what you have to say, but that shouldn't stop you from sending your thoughts along.

-Jules

Death of Jerry Falwell

When I first heard yesterday that Jerry Falwell had finally died after blessing us with his presence for 73 years, I was a bit shocked.

Here was a man who was anti-Semitic and against all non-Christian beings that I was always surprised when past presidents and the current one actually had photos taken with him, praised his messages, his morality and what he has contributed to society. They were buying into it for the votes and support-blecch. Falwell could bring in lots of votes by preaching from his bully-pulpit about one candidate's 'virtues' over another.

As the line goes, "If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up." He probably has very little enamel left on his teeth these days.

To me, Falwell was a self-righteous, ignorant windbag.

Falwell died from a heart attack-when I heard that I stopped for a moment. How could someone so obviously devoid of heart actually die from a heart attack?

The Last Dance for Most...

I'll be the first to admit it-I hate basketball. Wait, let me clarify that-I hate pro-basketball. I think the NBA is filled with a bunch of spoiled, rich degenerates who get away with everything.

A truly classless bunch no doubt. Unlike what many people think, money and notoriety don't buy class.

However, I do like college basketball, especially during March.

I actually enjoy watching the games. Why? Because these kids have heart and play each game like it could very well be their last college game, and organized basketball game, ever. For many of these kids, these games are their last ones. Most will go onto live non-NBA lives and I've noticed that the NCAA has been airing ads touting that a large percentage of college athletes will go onto careers outside of sports. These ads are very airy-fairy with plenty of dissolves, fades and a soothing voice-over while showing footage of smiling, former college athletes in their new, non-athletic careers. These ads play more like feminine hygiene commercials. (Note to self: buy Midol during the next Target run.)

The NCAA's message just doesn't seem strong enough or even loud enough and it should be stapled to the uniforms of all high school proteges and shouted from gymnasium bleachers in every high school throughout the country. And, most importantly, parents of these proteges should be required to attend meetings explaining the chances of making it to the pros are next to nil and to encourage getting good grades instead. If they don't attend, their kids don't play. Simple as that.

Delusions of grandeur can be dangerous at any age. Sure, it's okay to dream but dreams should be well anchored to the earth. Of course, sportscasters and the media ain't helping the situation. The commentators on CBS have been stroking Joakim Noah so much, you'd think he was already playing in the NBA and could walk on water. He's a good player, but the rate he's going his arrogance level will be tapped out by the time he gets to the pros. Sure, his dad, Yannick Noah, was a sorta tennis phenom in the 70s and 80s, so arrogance is in the blood. I've always thought that Yannick was way too proud of himself for someone who has only won one slam title during his career. One has to wonder if Roger Federer purposely thrives on being humble since huge-ass egos tend to ruin careers quickly.

Arrogance ain't colorful, it's obnoxious and boring when it's constantly talked about by the media. As my parents used to say, don't encourage that kind of obnoxious behavior and it will go away when no one acknowledges it anymore. Or as in our case when we were kids, it disappeared when it got called home for dinner and nighty-night time.

I hope that the Hoyas win it all. They seem scrappy enough to knock Florida off their pedestal. It's always more satisfying when the underdog wins it all.

Right back at you..

Holy piss. My back went out and it hasn't returned. I know, bad joke but my back hurts like hell. The thing that really pisses me off is the fact that I had tons of plans for this week-it being spring break and all. I wanted to clean and relax, instead I've been bedridden, sucking down anti-inflammatories and switching out ice packs. But I did get two stories written as well as some essays for possible internships, so all was not lost.

That's all for now..boring yes, but I'm paining still and my patience is nil.

Peace.

Juvenile "Caged Heat" and other tales of woe

So here's the story.
Jasmine and Jacinta are sisters and one was being stalked-allegedly-by some girl who wanted to fight her, which one I do not know. So, during the film school quality re-enactment, we're shown the fight that landed them in kiddie jail. Two gals got cut including Jasmine and now the sisters are in the Lake County Juvenile Detention Center in Indiana with the possibility of being charged with attempted murder.

We see them going through intake, talking to an upset parent via speakerphone, the lice bath then the hanging out with the other juvie girls. And the bedtime rituals and yes, those big t-shirts they sleep in look mighty comfy to me.
They lament, they cry, they wring their hands and the only reading material they're seen with is the Bible. Under those conditions, it's only a matter of time before a "Caged Heat"-style fight erupts in front of the MTV and closed-captioned cameras.

This Jasmine/Jacinta scenario is just one of many featured in MTV's "Juvies"-- a new reality show on the network that can't quite figure out what it is anymore. I remember the first time MTV went on the air and it was the coolest thing ever. All music all the time, now it's, well, I don't know what it is.

But, I digress...

"Juvies" is one of my new fab fav reality shows. It's up there with "Cheaters," "The Real Housewives of Orange County," and the creme de la creme "To Catch a Predator with Chris Hansen." I haven't watched "Cops" as steadily as I used to. When I lived in LA, my sister Molly and I had a weekly date to watch "Cops" at my apartment in Studio City. Our favorite scenes were the dog stealing neighbor, the drunk who was pulled over and did a Martha Graham-esque fall down the median strip on a Texas (of course) highway. All done in front of the law who couldn't contain their giggles. Finally, the "I'm a renter"-in a thick, Southern accent hampered by lack of teeth. Ahh..those were the days.

Now, the others. "Real Housewives..," well, I'll have to go into that show in another post. There is so much there and it's a pretty new season. Same with "Cheaters."

But, there's "Catch/Predator" and I have just a few questions. Don't any of those doofusses (doofi?) ever watch TV?? Don't they realize that chatting online with pre-moisties is not only really gross but just plain dumb since the baby teeth owner, tasty yum-yum on the other end could be some fat guy named Lou from Perverted Justice? These "men" who get arrested certainly deserve it. I have no pity for them at all, and it makes for great television. But, Chris Hansen-how could he NOT crack up? I wonder if when the cameras and mics are turned off if he just rants about how flippin' stoopid these perps are. One would think that if Hansen was normal, he wouldn't take his job too seriously and would laugh his ass off at his amazing good fortune. He has milked this story to death, pardon the pun.

Rumor has it that he is actually a real journalist.

The Sweat of Colin Firth

I haven't watched "Love Actually" since it was in the theaters but I think it's extremely well made since the original script was about 200 pages-too long for a romantic comedy, or for any type of genre for that matter. Plus, it has Colin Firth and that birdie num-num with the funky name who was in that tsunami film on HBO. Colin..quite the dreamcicle, ain't he? I normally don't go ga-ga over dudes on the big screen, but he's lovely. He's like a Brit version of Dennis Quaid, Ed Harris, Eric Bana, Viggo Mortenson and Barbaro (when he was alive) all rolled into one. I had a friend years ago who worked on "Great Balls of Fire" and told us tales about how people would steal Dennis Quaid's underwear from his trailer. Dennis would attempt to hide his knickers in 'they-wouldn't-look-here' places, but his stuff was always found. Finally, the posted a guard outside his trailer door. I'm sure Mr. Firth's knickers are getting swiped on a regular basis, but not by yours truly.

Also, Keira Knightley is in it and she is desperate need of some food-preferably a cheesecake and/or cheeseburger. She's great but she resembles Skeletor which is quite unsettling. More importantly, Bill Nighy steals the show..as he does in most films he's in.

The Oscars are tomorrow and I don't really know anyone who is nominated. Normally, I know one or two of the editing nominees (both pix and sound), but this year, nada. Also, I don't know of anyone who is going, but my friends who live near the Oscars theater are frustrated by the influx of lookie-loos and press mostly because it's cramming the streets which makes their commutes worse to the local Starbuck's and Hollywood Blvd. Sleaze Fest. At times, I do miss the fun of working on films, but as time passes, I realize I made the right decision to leave..at least that's what I keep telling myself.

Now it's onto human rights and child soldiers. Peace

Stephanie Huls is the coolest girl in the class.

Recently, I covered the Cook County board meeting for a story. Yep, I know, snoresville. Having never covered one of these meetings before, I didn't know what to expect. I do know this though..I'm gonna need a caffeine drip if I ever attend another one of those meetings. But, I did learn lots.

Here's what I observed-
Cook County Commissioner John P. Daley (Hizzoner's little brother) is the boss of the county board. During the summer, I had the opportunity to ask Commissioner Daley a few questions about the John Stroger's appointment of his son, Todd, to run for Cook County Board President in his place. I had never been that close to a Daley family member before so it was kind of intimidating until I was about an arm's length away from him. He's tiny. So tiny, that he had to look up to me when I asked him a question. I'm not that tall, (5'8), he's just that tiny. Plus, he looks just like his late father.

It's patently obvious that Tony Peraica is running for something (duh). Every issue that was brought up, well Tony just had to say something. Hey, he's a politician running for one of the most powerful jobs in the country. Yes, the country. If Cook County was a state, it would be the 17th largest in the nation. The county court and jail system is the largest in the nation. It has a bigger budget than Wyoming, Montana and Idaho-hovering somewhere around $3billion for 5.6 million people.

Anyhoo, back to Tony. He's an interesting guy. He makes wine and is some sort of musician. Plus, he was an orphan in Croatia and moved here when he was a wee one. He's a Republican and here's the kicker, he probably has a chance at winning the presidency. There are enough county residents who are furious at Stroger and Co. for treating their constituents (read: Democrats) like crap and are willing to cast their votes in favor of Peraica, in order to screw over the Todd-ler.

Now, here are a few things about Peraica that many dems are not paying attention to. He's anti-choice and has said on a few occasions that he would probably cut abortion funding at county hospitals. Not good. Also, he's anti-gay, but the Log Cabin Republicans are endorsing him. That, I just don't get and I'm waiting to interview the head of the Chicago chapter of the LCR. When I find out what their reasoning is, I'll let you know. Finally, he's pro-gun. Not a big shocker seeing that he's a Republican and all. I think it's time for the voters to, I don't know, edumacate themselves before they hit the polls on Nov. 7.

Forrest Claypool didn't say a word during the meeting. Not surprising because he's probably still pissed off that he didn't beat John Stroger back in March. I don't blame him. He should've won-he's not as nearly corrupt as John Stroger was or is. (he's still non-compis mentis, right?).

The seats in the chambers are real uncomfy.

It's really hot in the county building.

There are alot of weirdos at county board meetings.

And finally, like the title of this entry says, Stephanie Huls is the coolest girl in the class.

Back to School

No, I'm not referring to that Rodney Dangerfield opus that was shot at my alma mater, but I have returned to school, as a grad student.

It's been years since I've been in school full-time and I've noticed quite a few things during my first week, for instance...kids smoke alot more today than when I was in college. We're talkin' buttloads more. I've never seen anything like it. I can kinda understand the wanting to smoking to stay thin, or rather corpse-like thin, but these days it's ridiculous. Sure, I tried smoking when I was a co-ed. Hell, it looked cool to be an underager in a bar in LA, smoking Camels and sipping Budweiser (cheap beer, didn't know any better, and oh, SHUT UP!). But, when I couldn't breathe during crew practice and that whole pesky asthma thingy, I decided it would be best if just let my Camels loose. As for hooch/maryjane/mother nature's hair, well I plead the Fifth.

Which leads me to my next observation. Kids are fatter-not in any of my grad classes though. Now, I could stand to lose a few pounds too but there are lots of chunky college folks-men and women. Those who are smoking to keep their weight down will probably succeed but I wouldn't be surprised if, by the time they hit 30, they're carrying around an oxygen tank. Always a good look and I've even seen a few tanks with custom made cozies to cover up the obvious tank appearance. Those who are smoking to get thin, well, news flash. It ain't working. All the smoking is doing is upping their chances of having a heart attack. Something to shoot for: a quadruple bypass for a 25th birthday present.

Next would be tats and piercings. Guess it's a generational thing. I'm all for self-expression and some tats are beautiful, but I would have a hard time giving a possible applicant a job if they have tats on their necks and other exposed areas(unless the job is at either a tattoo parlor or record store). Seriously though, what is attractive about the big-ass holes in the ear lobes? Like the ones that mimic the Yanomami of the Amazon? Those indians sport Moe Howard haircuts and tie their wee-wees in slings- both looks I'm glad the youth of America hasn't glommed onto.

I shouldn't be too harsh though since mullets and the Flock of Seagulls haircuts were considered foxy when I was in college.

Computers and all that they represent. Gosh, I really wish we had them when I was an undergrad. The internet would've been a grand thing then, but knowing how much I love it, I probably wouldn't have graduated at all.

Cuter clothes. So much cuter than leggings, long sweaters and pointy-anointy flats. Wait..that look is actually making a comeback. Something we can all do without, except the pointy-anointy flats-I love mine.
Some fashion should remain in the 80s vault and then blasted into oblivion.

Cooler school supplies and dorm decor. I had Marimekko sheets, blankets and towels (courtesy of Crate & Barrel) up the whazoo. Now, there's all this cool crap from Target and Urban Outfitters (a store which made an appearance spring semester of my senior year). Trapper Keepers are a rare siting these days. Instead, there are cool folders with funky colors. Sharpies in every imaginable color. I can't get enough of them. Sometimes I line them up according to color and marvel at the beautiful sight in front of me. That, my friends, is pure heaven.

Textbooks are still silly expensive but it's easier to buy used ones courtesy of eBay and Amazon.

Tuition..oy. It's incredible how expensive school is these days. I didn't believe it until I applied for FAFSA loans. Thanks to our wingnut President and his minions, it's harder to get decent loans. AND, they've cut the loans and grants so there ain't much there to get! Lovely! Makes lots of sense to keep the poor uneducated since they won't have the smarts to figure out how this Administration is screwing them royally. However, I'm pretty sure the poor have an idea of what W is doing.
Another entry for another time.

Time to hit the books. I am glad to see the classics are still around. I have to read Mike Royko's "Boss Richard J. Daley of Chicago". I read this book in high school but it's fun to read it again. Also, I was encouraged to see a student in the bookstore line with two plays by Shakespeare and Kenneth Anger's "Hollywood Babylon" in her pile of books. Glad to see the classics still have a place in this society.

Found: The Scream

Edvard Munch's 'The Scream' has been found today after being swiped from the Munch Museum in Oslo some two years ago. Guess it was found in pretty good condition. Guess it coulda been much worse.

Now, "The Scream" isn't my favorite piece of artwork, but it is a significant piece. I do have respect for it, of course, but that's due to Gary Larsen's (Far Side) "Weiner Dog Art". If you haven't seen it, just picture a weiner dog as the screamer in the picture. The image invokes laughter from even the most serious of art snobs. It's classic and much more interesting than 'Dogs Playing Pool' or that white dude with the afro who paints fluffy clouds and furry green trees.

Personally, I was hoping that "The Scream" would end up, years later at a Flea Market in Blue Lake, California. Someone would buy it for say, 20 bucks and it would hang in some rec room next to a Pabst Blue Ribbon neon sign or on a wall painted to look like Pink Floyd's 'Dark Side of the Moon'.

Now, that's where it really belongs.

A temp's progress

I quit a temp job yesterday.

I now have a list of requirements for working at ANY temp job:

1) the boss is not allowed to pee with the bathroom door open even if the light is out in said room. Boss should move his butt down to the basement where there is a perfectly clean bathroom. OR, better yet, use the sales center bathroom. It's clean, quiet and it has a ventilation fan. Also, it is well-stocked with hand towels and SOAP. You read it right, SOAP. (see point #9)

2) fellow workers are not allowed to take anything off of my desk. That goes for my lunch in the fridge too.

3) I should never have to call and threaten a sub-contractor/vendor, or 'be a bitch' to get them to move quicker. These subs do have other clients and are not going to drop everything even if we are a big client.

4) I am not a maid. Yes, I realize that many women are maids and get paid to do it, but I am not one of them. I don't care if you're Latino and your women clean when you command them to. Good for them.

5) I do not make coffee. I bring my own in. Yes, I am a woman (and I don't need to be reminded when asked to do a 'womanly' task), but that is not a job we're born to do. Make your own damn coffee, if you can read, you can make coffee.

6) Swearing isn't a problem for me. In fact, I don't trust those who don't swear. I just don't like it done in a voice that could crack crystal, in front of others or at me --for no other reason except 'that's just the way you are-a blowhard'.

7) if you have family members who are working with you, you should probably let your other employees know that family members are always right AND can do no wrong--no matter what. Even your septuagenarian, partially deaf father-who is, by the way, a nice man.

8) The C-word is never acceptable. EVER.

9) Wash your hands after the using the bathroom. Is this something that needs to be explained? Really?

10) Workers should throw away their own meal scraps/garbage seeing that the garbage cans are RIGHT NEXT TO THE TABLE.

11) I don't need to be 'turned into a bitch to get what I want' or rather what the boss wants. It's just not in my character and telling me on a daily basis to be 'bitchy' just makes me be nicer to those I'm supposed to yell at. You get more flies with honey.

12) This is important: telling your wife I'm a 60 something lesbian rather than a 40-year old heterosexual woman in order to keep the peace at home, is completely ridiculous. Ludicrous. I don't care how jealous she is, but she has to learn how to deal.

13) Sitting at my desk on days that I am not there is fine. But, if you eat your meals there, throw out the trash (see point #10).

14) Asking me to look up tattoo ideas on the net for you or your homies(your word choice, not mine) is not in my job description.

15) Calling me a 'puta' when I explain that I can't look up tat ideas is unacceptable.

16) Telling me about the 4 DUIs you have and how you're going to 'shoot your lawyer' if he doesn't make the case go away is not something I take lightly especially since you're a convicted felon at the tender age of 24. You were driving while drunk (in a car you stole, mind you). You got caught. It's no one's fault but your own.


17) Suggesting that the reason I am not married to a white guy is because I'm too picky is a just a big bowl of wrong. Telling me that if I were thinner I'd have a white husband. Please..find a tall building and jump off of it. I hear the Sears Tower is perfect for this kind of activity.

18) Telling anal sex jokes that involve the use of Snickers bars is so wrong on so many levels. Oh, and they're not funny. None of your jokes are. One more thing: laughing at your own jokes DOES NOT make them funny.

21) Shutting off a tenant's AC because she's a 'hot white chick who's f*cking an N-word [sic]' to 'punish' her. Well, you should go to jail. Directly to jail since you're a poor excuse for a human being. I was sorry to hear that you have reproduced several times.

22) Reminding me that we live in Chicago when I'm reading the NYT is not clever. I do wish my evil stares could do actual, physical evil.

Now, I am not a perfect employee-far from it. No one is, but there is only so much someone should put up with. Not for any money. Mainly, not for $12/hour.

Coulda

I wish I could...
-hit a one-handed backhand well
-jump like the Bionic Woman
-read minds
-make chapatis
-stop eating sugar cold turkey
-figure out where the phrase 'cold turkey' came from
-perform an exorcism
-wear a strapless dress (my boobs are too big to pull it off)
-live in London
-understand the fascination with "Desperate Housewives"
-have the dulcet tones of Carl Kassel wake me up every morning. Something along the lines of "Wakey Wakey Sleeping Beauty".
-touch John Travolta's butt chin
-write a song as profound as 'Disco Duck'
-get more Elvis Buddhas
-wear actual x-ray glasses
-sew
-understand the allure of Blue Man Group

Things that I love..

cereal for dinner
driving a 5-speed car
cleaning out the lint trap of my dryer
those new VW Jetta commercials with the crashing n' stuff
Chicken Chalupas
my nephew Ben's first tooth
Will Shortz
the Pasadena Freeway
the nightly hermit crab parade on St. John
the Ultimate Fighter
the new Gap commercials-mainly the part where the gal 'spins' from a pencil skirt to a mini. How does that happen?
Claritin Redi-Tabs
skinny dipping
autumn in Illinois
warm days and cool nights..the kind of nights that are good for sleeping
the late Jim Backus
Santa Ana winds
beating the crap out of a heavy bag
patagonia underpants
the word 'underpants'
making strangers laugh
making strippers laugh
chinua achebe
not having to teach film any more
oreos
chinese deco rugs

Fashion Cacophony pt. 2

-dark lip liner over light lipstick..it's still around and that look may prompt me to go on a tri-state crime spree.

-wearing makeup while working out.

-hair extensions that are almost taller than the woman wearing them

-the leggings under short skirts come-back. i like the gap commercials that show this 'new' look but even though it is a new century and gap has a fun ad campaign, the leggings under the jean skirt is still a bad fashion statement

-the hair don't that's still around..messy in the back of the head and finely 'coiffed' in the front. it's usually frosted to hell.

-I've said it a thousand times...dreadlocks on white people, dreadlocks on white people, on white people...dreadlocks.

-jeans with the cuffs turned up to just below the knee

As the season progresses, I'm sure I'll have more. Until then, Ta ta!

Fashion Cacophony pt. 1

These days, it's quite steamy here in Chicago. As a result, more and more people are out and we're seeing all sorts of interesting fashions on the streets of this fine city. While some of the couture is acceptable, there are lots of fashion scofflaws out there who are, well, a bit touched in the head when it comes to fashion.
Here are a few of my observations..some are good, but some are just..wrong.
Be careful, this may leave a mark.

1) I've gone over this with close friends and I am still in awe of the fact that women insist on getting French pedicures. To me, it looks like they're walking on their hands. Ick. What makes their feet more hand-esque is if a woman is wearing a toe ring avec the French pedicure. Double ick.

2) French manicures/faux nails..especially the ones where the white part is almost as big as the entire nail bed. Oh, there's more. Why a straight edge? Why not a wee bit of a curve? The straight edge makes even the most slim fingers look like stumps.
Plus, everyone has them-it's not an original look. It's just plain bad.

3) While I'm on the subject of fingers, anyone care to comment on those silver mesh rings or bands? They're usually spotted on fingers mentioned in #2. The thing is, these rings/bands are usually on small hands or stubby fingers or small hands WITH stubby fingers. If the finger is small and the ring too big, it makes the hand look like a hobbit's paw. 'Nuff said.

4) More jewelry-the Tiffany silver charm bracelet that's usually worn in tandem with the silver mesh ring. Or, the trifecta-the ring, the bracelet and the matching charm-esque chunky necklace. I get it, you shop at Tiffany's from time to time. Big whup. Why oh why does everyone feel the need to accessorize exactly like everyone else? A little originality please!

5) Now, I'm guilty of this next one. I only wore this item of clothing twice and both times I knew it was wrong, but I..just...kept..on...wearing..it. I guess I was trying to see if I could get away with it and a stolen glance in a shop window on Damen proved that I couldn't. That's why my shrug-sweater-that-ties-right-under-the-breastesses-sprinkled-with-sequins is going to Good Will. No one, except maybe an anorexic A-cup, can wear these things. And, to make matters worse, I looked like a Russ Meyer reject.
It's the female equivalent of the banana hammock for men.

6) Coach. Now, I like Coach products these days. The whole product line is so much more hip and sophisticated than when I got my first Coach bag in high school back in 19-ahem. Yep, I carried it while wearing my Chinos, Polo Shirt (collar turned up, of course) and Sperry (coming about!) Topsiders. (go ahead and laugh, but I'm sure you were sporting quite the mullet back then..or now) My beef is with those who purchase Coach products and insist on leaving the little leather Coach tag on. Now, the bags I can understand to a point, but those who leave the tags on the belts, well, I just don't get it. More importantly, I'm not impressed.

7) I haven't seen any of these since we're now living on Mercury, but for some reason I was thinking about this other day. Maybe it has to do with the fact that my mom is planning on buying a winter coat soon (you know, pre-sales rock!), but no matter what the season, it's still just wrong. Back in January, I was on the Red Line and next to me was this woman wearing a beautiful, deep red cashmere coat. How did I know it was cashmere? No, not by touch. I knew it was so because the lady forgot to remove the thin tag on the left sleeve above the opening that reads "100% Cashmere". Yes folks, that tag is to be removed before you don it that first day of nippy weather. To the lady I wanted to say, sotto voce of course, "Um, hon, you're supposed to cut that little tag off before you wear it." I refrained because I didn't want Ms. Thang to open a can of whup-ass on me before I had to switch trains at Belmont.

8) Prada nylon bags. Why would anyone pay $900 or so for NYLON???

9) Lilly Pulitzer. Please..stop the madness. If you insist on wearing it, stay in Hinsdale or Naperville. Don't trek into the city because it could get ugly- that is if anything could possibly get uglier than Lilly Pulitzer clothing. Oh wait..I forgot about Chico's!

10) Again, I'm guilty of wearing these: Cropped pants. However, while they don't look that good on me (but I am tall so I don't look like I've been cut in half), they don't look half as bad as what I saw during my grad school summer session. A lot of women at City Hall wearing patterned cropped pants. Yes, you read it right. A bad combo. Just think about it for awhile and you'll see the light too.
Ladies, if you're under 5 ft. 5 or have short legs, don't wear cropped pants because they make you look shorter. They do to your height what French manicures do to your fingers (See #2). If you insist on wearing them, stay away from the chunky heeled sandals. Those shoes only add to the tree trunk affect. Clam diggers are worse unless you're actually digging for clams. They have a goofy name for a reason..what about the words 'clam diggers' screams fashion??

Same goes for Cargo shorts..especially the ones that are being worn by the glutally challenged (read: white) male. It's called a belt..wear it, but make sure you take the Coach tag off it first.

coming soon..some good fashion I've spotted as well as more glamour don'ts. Get the black bar ready!

Arrogance

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A New Love.

Well, I'm over "Judging Amy". Every sweet episode ever created has passed before my eyes and since the show was so harshly canceled by CBS, I feel that it's too difficult to watch knowing that I'll never really know what happened to Maxine, Amy and the rest of the clan. I'll never know if Maxine ends up with Cheech's character, or if Lauren will EVER STOP TALKING LIKE THAT, or if Amy will run for the state Senate. But, the nice thing that came out of it is that Dan Futterman ("Vincent Gray") wrote an awesome screenplay called "Capote", which is sure to get an Oscar nod in a few months.

Due to this hole in my tv schedule and in my heart, I've had to search for another show to glom onto. Another distraction or background noise that I can have on while I write or clean the apartment. My main criteria are that it has to be a decent show, it's on daily and it has to be a show that has run it's course and is no longer in the first run mode. After much consideration, debate and sleepless nights, I've decided on "NYPD Blue". I have watched an episode here and there to see if it could be a good match for me, but I've never given it the attention that I gave to "Judging Amy".

Now, I know there's disappointment in the room and believeyoume, this decision wasn't easy at all. I spent many-a-night pacing around my apartment and wandering the streets of Ravenswood hoping to get some sort of sign. I even auditioned some shows like "Law & Order" (too many versions and Fred Dalton Thompson), "Charmed" (another Aaron Spelling/Shannon Doherty concoction...Need I say more?), "7th Heaven" (too churchy) and "Elimidate" (oh the humanity!). "NYPD" captured my attention because everyday TNT airs a two-fer. This is good because it takes me a bit to get settled into the story due to the cinema verite camera move and editing. Sometimes it works and sometimes, well, they don't quite hit it. Since I notice every little cinematic detail, I get somewhat incredulous when there's a bad cut, a whip pan that captures a crew member or a boom in the shot and it takes me awhile to calm down. By that time, I may have missed an important story point, but never fear, another episode is coming up within a few minutes or the next day. Phew! I don't lose that much!

I started watching it right after the Victor Sifuentes er, I mean Jimmy Smits's character died, so I am a bit lost. But, I think he was Sipowicz's partner or something and was married to the girl who used to play Jenny on "All My Children". This is good, really. The one thing that worries me is that it seems that those who Sipowicz is close to seem to either die or get real hurt. I hope that won't dampen my enthusiasm. He does seem to get all of the hot women know, which I'm sure I'll either never understand or develop a serious crush on him soon. I'll let you know if I buy any Sipowicz memorabilia.

It's up to you to get used to the world, not for the world to get used to you.

I'm relatively new to this whole teaching thing and I've come across some behaviors that, in my college days, I never would've been able to do. However, today, anything goes. If a teacher tries to instill some sense of personal responsibility and general discipline and being respectful upon his/her students, they're usually rebuffed. Deadlines are laughed at, and complaints to department chairs are a daily occurrence.

What a life today's kids lead! Rewards aren't just for winners, they're for everyone and worse, rewards are expected at every turn. There's a disturbing sense of entitlement among today's college-age students and from the younger set as well. The need to work hard and actually learn something is missing and when it's mentioned, it's laughed at as a past fad. These kids are of the generation where if you just show up for soccer, for example, you get an award. Basically, any action is rewarded, be it on a sports team (even the losing ones) or for doing basic childhood chores that are important for socialization and development. Even in some schools, the use of red pens for grading are verboeten since these pens have earned a bad rep from when Junior's mom or dad received an algebra test back, rife with the vermilion monster. "I just remember how bad I felt about the red ink," I overheard a mom say. "It just made me so ashamed and embarrassed. The other kids laughed at me." Boo-friggin' hoo. So, instead of possibly LEARNING something, the red has permeated her memory instead of motivating her. Now, her mission is to avoid the red-ink massacre for her own kids instead of realizing that hey, they could actually learn something from their mistakes. Those who are in favor of this type of acknowledgement are also in favor of keeping a child's self-esteem intact. Yes, self-esteem is important, but so is learning how to cope with the crap that life hands out ALL THE TIME. Bad feelings are par for the course as is, surprise! Disappointment!

When I was a kid, from grade school through college and yes, beyond, I was encouraged, but not coddled and rewarded when warranted. Rewards were given out when deserved and if I lost, I took my lumps and usually learned from it. I learned to work harder and learned that hard work paired with luck, would hopefully result in some sort of victory.

What has brought this up? I was, in a wee way, reprimanded for ANSWERING A QUESTION about the other college I teach at in class last week. At first, my response was "Of course, I won't mention it." But then, I thought about it for awhile and I started to get angry. Who do these kids think they are? Do they actually believe that every complaint they have is going to work out in their favor? Are they that narcissistic to believe that the world is going to bend to their will? Of course, they do have a right to their opinions, but they have to realize the consequences of their opinions aren't always going to fall on loving ears. In the real world, it's tough. You have to sing for your supper. Especially in the movie business. If you bitch about something you don't like and expect change because you say so, then get used to going to Window A-a lot.

I got out before things got ugly....PT. 1

Meaning, I left the business before I could say I work in an industry that is responsible for catapulting Jessica Simpson to stardom and allowing Deuce Bigelow 3 to be made. First off, why oh sweet Moses why is Jessica Simpson even allowed out of whatever hick state she hails from? This woman has absolutely nothing to offer, except for blond hair (I'm sure the carpet doesn't match the drapes) and her two co-stars. But, besides her physical 'attributes', her stardom is inexplicable. Also, she has a creepy family which is de rigeur for any Hollywood starlet. Just read any new tabloid and you'll see the whole Lindsay Lohan family drama splashed all over the recycled paper pages. Jessica's father is a creepy Russ Meyer version of Henry Higgins who appears to be obsessed with his two daughters (don't worry, Ashlee's not safe from me), is a big Christian, but in every photo with Jessica, he's staring at her rack. Quelle charmante. The kind of relationship all of us gals want with our dads. Something to strive for. But, I digress...What was I talking about? Oh yes, weird families.

That leads me to Ashlee Simpson, the even less talented Simpson sister. Wait. I just saw what I wrote..is that even possible to be less talented than Jessica?? Even some of the rejects from "Uzbekistan Idol" are more talented than Ash. I am at a loss about what to write about her. I can't believe it, but I am blocked.

I think the whole family drama angle is cooked up by PR folks to make us naive Americans believe (the ones who live east of Palm Springs and west of Buffalo) that these starlets are gosh, so much like us! They even have family problems. However, these PR geniuses fail to realize that our families are not trying to scam us out of millions of hard earned dollars earned while making the remakes of "Parent Trap" (a guilty pleasure of mine..the remake) and "Herbie", and yes, "Dukes of Hazzard". Technically, "Dukes" is not a remake, it's a blowup TO the big screen..among other things. You know, come to think of it, I do think my parents are trying to scam me. I mean, my dad wanted to borrow my car to run errands the other day. The nerve! I mean, come on! I don't care if your car is in the shop and your back hurts. Call a cab or better yet, walk! Sheesh! 10,000 steps/day=overall fitness. I just know my mom is trying to scam me out of the last lilac colored Mossimo tank top I bought at Target. I really think she is. She keeps asking if I'm going to return it. Yeah, sure lady. Get your own damn $7 top. Thou shalt not covet thy daughter's clothes.

Back to Hollywood...well, I'll write more later. My mom and I have hired a mediator to help solve who really found that dollar bill on the sidewalk.

questions for a balmy night

Somethings to chew on...
Why?
What is the deal with long denim shorts on men?
How did Jared pay for all of his Subway meals when he was dieting?
Is it possible to walk without knees?
Just what is corn pone?
Why is it necessary to be a child's friend rather than his/her parent?
What is the deal with ear hair?
Why do black women age better than white women?
Whatever happened to Shelly Hack?
Does anybody really know what time it is? Does anybody really care?
Who's zoomin' who?
Who are these people?
Is there a Visine for everything?
Who's smarter, Dorothy or Toto?
Is it possible to truly think outside the bun?
Exactly what is a shunt?
Anderson Cooper's gay, isn't he?
Are you sure you want to be a nightclub comic?
Is it really that wise to ignore the voices in your head?
Colin Farrell=Gutter Dick: True or False?
Could you name a child Lactose?
If so, would you?
Does anybody get trench mouth anymore?
Why don't you just pull up your pants?

new favorite NEW show and Seals & Crofts

Oh sweet Moses, it is so hot here. So humid too. But, it sure beats January temps. Now, the various smells that are associated with this type of heat are intriguing and kinda heinous. My scent du jour is BO and garbage. Just think about it (and try not to barf). Imagine..... You're on the street, preferably the newly paved Damen Ave right around Lawrence, in Chicago. You happen to mosey by an alley and that little cross breeze catches the ripe homeless guy lingering near the dumpster, then flows towards you at that right moment. Potent! "Summer breeze..makes me feel fine..flowin' like the jasmine in my mind.." Only in a song is that possible unless, of course, you live in So. California.

I've been summoned back to work on "The Break Up" for a few days next week. It's easy money and the editorial crew is pretty decent. There's alot of attention on this film because of Jen Aniston and the supposed relationship with her co-star, Vince Vaughn. All of the gossip rags are filled with pix of the pair with headlines that scream "is Jen in love??" and "She's finally over Brad!" The thing is..Jen and Vince are in a movie together..they play ex-lovers! The photos are publicity photos FROM THE SET PUBLICIST! Put two and two together it equals co-stars! duh! Also, I was in a store last week and blasting from the cheesy speakers in the ceiling was the DJ creaming over the fact that Jen was spotted walking her dogs. I was worried that this woman was going to die from the excitement of knowing that Jen walks her pooches just like regular folks. It's tough living in a celeb-free zone.

Well, I haven't had the opportunity to watch either "Judging Amy" or "NYPD blue" lately due to teaching and life. But, I do have a new fab fav AND it is a new show. Brat Camp. IT's a great ad for birth control or for those folks who are so anti-adoption. I'm not going to go into it too much, because for those who haven't watched it, you need to check it out. Also, I have two words for you that will hopefully lure you to watch it--Phantom Duker. And, yes, it was said with a straight face.

One more thing, Mr. Vaughn is tall and a little on the doughy side.